


Hazbin Hotel: Ever-changing Afterlives (My first Hazbin fanfiction! Jan 8 2020)

by KathyPrior42



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 10:08:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21847975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KathyPrior42/pseuds/KathyPrior42
Summary: What would Heaven be like in the Hazbin universe? How did the characters get to be where they are? Charlie wants to create a better world in Hell, full of songs, happiness, and love. Of course, rehabilitation of other demons will not be easy. Between the realms of the blessed and damned, could there be other possibilities for those who've lost their way? (My very first Hazbin fanfiction and project)HAZBIN HOTEL AND ALL CHARACTERS BELONG TO VIVIZIEPOP, NO COPYRIGHT INTENDED
Kudos: 46





	1. Enter the royal Magne Family

In Heaven, perfection, order, fun, and peace are priorities. God is an elderly man with a similar appearance to Jesus. His Archangels serve has his guards and advisers. They make up a larger angel council, which discuss different matters. Some of the citizens are humans with white wings while others are animal-like. The majority of angels have white faces, red blushes on their cheeks and silky hair.  
The dark creepy robotic angels of death are used to exterminate the citizens of Hell to not only reduce their population, but to also plant fear. They have silver weapons that can kill any demon, as well as humans. They were made creepy on purpose: to fight fear with fear. They are sent down once a year to purge the citizens at random.  
The buildings in heaven are silver, gold, and some are embedded with precious gems. The citizens learn prayer, singing, dancing, and being kind of each other. The society is heavily bent on rules: honor thy father and mother, no smoking, drinking, lust, or gambling. Cussing isn’t allowed. The barrier separating the worlds is a Christian cross within a circle, similar to the pentagram in hell in the red sky.

Heaven and Hell are actually two sides of the afterlife coin. Though they may be opposites, they also coexist together. The majority of inhabitants were originally humans from Earth (except the evil humans went to Hell, while heroic humans went to Heaven). 

Lucifer and Lilith both bonded, due to their experiences of being banished from Heaven and Eden respectfully. Lucifer was originally a light-bearing angel, and part of God’s inner circle. He looked very similar to his current appearance: white face, short white elegant hair, and pearly white teeth (not sharp fangs). Like the other archangels, he would make sure that everything was in order, that rules were followed, and that the formerly humans were having fun. He even helped make chains of flowers and daises (which now disgusts him).  
Lucifer’s fall began one fateful day when God decided to give flawed humans a second chance. Now, instead of only heroic individuals granted access to Heaven, He welcomed ordinary people with open arms. What was even more bizarre, was the arrival of former humans now in animal-like forms and vivid colors: horses, dogs, lions, eagles, even mythical creatures. Appalled by the sudden changes, Lucifer claimed that those “inferior mortals” should not be granted access to paradise. God and the other archangels disagreed with him. 

Raphael was Lucifer’s opposite. Unlike him, Raphael was kindhearted and discouraged any form of pride. He took his role in service to God very seriously…and if that meant the creation of humanity, then he would still be loyal. 

It wasn’t long before Lucifer and the archangels Michael, Gabriel, etc. engaged in battle. Lucifer wasn’t alone: there was another angel named Azrael who was Lucifer’s friend and adviser. While Lucifer fought Raphael, Azarael clashed with Gabriel.  
And of course, Michael battled Lucifer’s darker form, which had emerged from him after his anger was released. Michael used a flaming sword while the darker Lucifer used the same version of Lucifer’s weapon, the Morning Star. This darker Lucifer was quickly vanquished from Heaven and would later form Satan. 

Refusing to obey God, Lucifer, Azarael and the other rebel angels were cast from Heaven and banished to Hell as punishment. Azarael would later become a demon and a teacher of the dark arts in Hell.

Lucifer is one of the few who knows the names of the robotic purge Angels of Death: Puriel, Kushiel, Teneluehus, Raguel, Wormwood, Jeheel, Zacheniel, Ababhar, and their leader, Abaddon. Originally regular angels sent to punish the souls of sinners, they were later modified into the ultimate killing machines. Sent down to Hell once every year, they slaughter the citizens at random to control the population and strike fear into those who oppose God. Lucifer, however, wasn’t afraid…he only wanted vengeance for his banishment. 

Instead of fearing his evil form…Lucifer embraced it. Testing out his newfound powers of destruction, he decided to take a position of power and rule as he saw fit. How did he do that? By murdering opponents and becoming the king of Hell. (However, he and Satan were different entities). 

The first king of Hell was Bael, who had the power to make himself and his army invisible. Paimon was the second king, teacher of science, the arts, and made great contributions in expanding Pentagram City. The third king, Beleth was ruthless and cruel to the lower class and even to his own subjects. He rode a black war horse made of dark flames. Beleth overthrew Paimon and Bael and became ruler before Lucifer arrived. Asnodi was a king of another circle of Hell, with the heads of a bull and a man. Vine was gender neutral and created storms using only their mind. Beleth defeated the seer kings Purson and Balam, the bull king Asnodi, and even Zagun, a ruler who could turn water into blood and oil. The remaining kings were under the authority of Beleth and Zagun.

Eventually, Lucifer engaged in battle with Beleth and the kings…and won. He became the new ruler of Hell and the older kings were quickly forgotten. The apple was adapted into the architecture of the hotel and an apple was also prominently on Lucifer’s staff and white hat to show his status. This is reminiscent of the legend of Adam and Eve, and a way to remind both Lucifer and Lilith of their pasts. The couple also created purple snakes for decoration and defense, also related to the snake Satan, who had deceived Eve in the myth.

Lucifer had fellow frenemies known as Astaroth (the dragon creator of self doubt) and Beelzebub (a greedy wealthy Fly Lord). They made the Unholy Trinity and each agreed to rule different areas of Hell (though Lucifer was the most powerful of the three and was known by the majority of Hell). 

Lucifer then met the beautiful Lilith, with her long pale hair, graceful figure, and powers of her own. She had been Adam’s former wife and wanted to be equal to him instead of submissive. Lilith was kicked out of Eden and was given a choice: either reside in Hell or be forced to give birth to demonic offspring only for them to be killed each day. Lilith chose Hell and soon gave into her selfish ways.

Her life changed when she met Lucifer. Here was an individual so similar to her. Emphasizing over their past lives, enjoying each other’s appearances, (add in a couple of drinks of heavy wine) and they soon gave birth to Princess Charlotte, also known simply as Charlie. Lilith and her husband were constantly busy with keeping up their status, interacting with other elite officials, etc. Lilith also worked as a model, becoming very influential. 


	2. Charlie's Childhood

A loud screech echoed throughout the industrial hospital somewhere in Pentagram City. Lilith was lying down on a bed, shaking legs apart, sweat coating her forehead. Beside her was her husband Lucifer, who put a comforting clawed hand on her shoulder.  
“Keep pushing, mon amour,” he encouraged. “It should be over very soon.”  
“That’s what you said several hours ago,” Lilith countered, her face straining. “We were so close to making it back to our comfortable home, but then…”  
She paused after catching her breath.  
“…my water broke, and now we’re at this slum of a hospital instead. With these…things to keep us company.”  
She looked at the busy imps nearby with disdain in her silvery eyes. One of them was busy administering medication into her lower back to ease the pain. Two others stood close to her legs, ready to deliver the child.   
“My privacy invaded, just before my midnight photoshoot,” she muttered. “At least I haven’t changed into my nicest dress yet.”  
She currently was wearing a crimson long red dress with black zebra-like stripes running diagonally down the front. Another dress was neatly folded in a nearby suitcase. She blew a strand of her long blonde hair away from her pale face. Her signature long red horns protruded from her head. Her black crown of thorns was nettled in her leather purse on a side chair.  
Lucifer was wearing his traditional white and red dress suit with a black bow tie below his neck and fancy long white pants. A large white top hat nested over his blonde slicked back hair. A purple snake and a red apple were also on the hat. His cane had a matching red apple on the top. His skin was pale white, his eyes were yellow, and his cheeks were rosy off to the sides.

Lilith sighed, already concerned with her upcoming tasks for the week. Besides modeling and negotiating with elite officials, she was a singer of a band called Resist. “When I’m done with this, I’m going to have to come up with another song for Resist. Maybe something called, “Angel Anarchy.” Or “Oppressive Heaven.” “Evil’ is ‘Live’, Backwards?” Should I do a haunting solo…or try for a metal scream?”   
The contractions began again, and the demon mother wailed in pain for several minutes.  
“Make it stop, make it stop, uuuughh…” she groaned.   
Lucifer turned away slightly. He was used to hearing and seeing his opponents and victims writhe in pain, especially after his conquest of Hell many years ago.   
But seeing his wife in pain like that…  
“I’m going to be a father…I can’t believe it…”  
“It is nice to have a greater purpose in life, besides just being rulers of Hell, don’t you think?” Lilith asked.  
“I guess you’re right,” Lucifer answered. “When our child is old enough, he or she will be able to carry out our traditions and be a great ruler someday. I already picked out a boy name: Azarael, after my former friend in Heaven.”  
“I don’t know,” Lilith countered. “It reminds me of those bastard angels too much.”  
“Eldritch, then.” He suggested. “It means “old ruler.” Our last name means “fierce warrior.”   
“Absolutely not,” Lilith argued. “What good would it be to have our child named after the last name of our rivals? How about a girl’s name instead? Something like…Vivienne! It means “alive.”  
Lilith looked at him. “Have you looked into our ancestry books at the library again?”  
“I have to find something to do when I’m bored,” he said. “Playing instruments is wonderful, but sometimes I need some ideas.”  
Lucifer was still too embarrassed to admit that he was bad at playing the guitar and keyboard.   
“Do these ideas involve rooms besides our grand library?”  
Lucifer grinned and playfully winked. “Maybe they do.”  
“Remember when we met at that concert for the first time?” Lilith asked, taking deep breaths, trying to ignore the lingering pain.  
“Oh yes,” Lucifer said, nostalgia in his eyes. “I’ve never heard anyone sing as beautifully as you did that night.”  
“And then we went to the Damnation Bar several days later after Krampus came along for the holidays?”  
“Yep, I remember. Stupid old me got into a drinking contest with Beezelbub. You were drinking blood red wine and laughing your head off.”  
“You did look pretty silly dancing on the countertop when you thought you had won the contest.” She let out a soft musical laugh.   
Lucifer rolled his eyes. “But I did though! That Fly Lord cheated by flying around and gulping down several glasses in all six hands. I almost destroyed him, too, but the room was spinning too much.”

Lilith smiled. “The best part was when you went through your drunken phase. You massacred a group of demons because you thought they worked for Jesus.”  
“And we had tons of fun back at home,” he admitted.  
“It was both pleasure-inducing and equal,” Lilith added. “Unlike my terrible first intimate encounter with that stubborn Adam. I did love being on top at the very end!”

“Ooookay,” said a nearby imp out loud. “I think I’ve heard enough for now. How about I check to see what’s going on in there…”  
The imp male adjusted an emerging bald head and Lilith seethed. “You touch me like that again, and I’ll use your entrails for a necklace!”  
“What’re you gonna do? Charge me for rape? I’m just lucky to have a job in general, but that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it. Of all the snob patients I’ve worked with…”  
A flick of Lucifer’s fingers caused the imp to explode in a mess of blood and organs. A dragon demon with a doctor’s coat peered in.   
“Clean that up,” he mentioned to another imp with a mop and walked away. As the janitor imp did his work, a red-faced female imp arrived into the room. She peered over at the ultrasound. 

After half an hour, the contractions began again, this time, more intense.

“NON, NON…MERDE!” she swore. Lilith pushed long and hard, gripping onto the side of the bed.  
Lucifer and the imps comforted her over her yells.  
Then at last…the bald baby’s head emerged from between her legs, the head covered in blood. The placenta soon followed.  
“It’s a girl!” announced the imp.  
After the baby was cleaned, the imp placed the infant into Lilith’s arms. Lucifer and Lilith both cried with joy.   
“She has your horns,” Lucifer said, watching as small red horns shot from her head, then retreated back in.  
“And your face,” Lilith added.  
Sure enough, the girl had the same rosy cheeks and pale face as her father. Stubs of white fangs were already peeking out from her gums.  
“You know what?” Lilith asked. “I think I found the perfect name for her.”  
“I think I do, too.”  
“Charlotte,” they both said out loud.  
“Congratulations, you too,” said the female imp, who began running some diagnostics. “Part angel, part demon,” she mentioned, after a DNA test.  
“Very powerful indeed,” Lucifer said with satisfaction. “She will make a great Princess someday. Charlie the Great.”

When the family got home, Lilith placed Charlie in a comfy crib in the upstairs room. Charlie wailed and cried, not wanting to go to sleep.  
“I have an idea,” said Lucifer. He snapped his fingers.   
Two small animated snakes soon hung above her crib. They spun in slow circles on a mobile. Charlie stared mesmerized, even reaching out a small hand to pet their lavender heads. Lilith opened a window where the screams of victims and the roars of fires could be heard. Lucifer’s haunting lullaby added to the dark ambience. 

“Rock-a-bye baby in the dark pit  
When the corpses rot, the flames will be lit  
Writhing in pain as life slips away  
Never see again the bright light of day”

Little Charlie was soon fast asleep.  
Lilith gently kissed her daughter on her forehead. “Sweet nightmares, my darling.”

Many years later, Lucifer was dragging a young Charlie over to a large room for her piano and music lessons.  
“Daddy,” she called, “I don’t wanna go!” The young girl was wearing a black skirt, a nice white shirt with a black bow tie and black tap dancing shoes. She clutched one of her demon dolls in her hand.  
“It is important that you learn the proper techniques of playing and singing traditional songs.”  
“But I wanna sing my own songs!” the child protested, her short curly blonde hair bouncing up and down.   
“We can’t get what we want all the time,” said her father. “If you want to make a good impression on our people, then practice is the first step. Particularly at such a young age.

Charlie pouted as she walked into an ornate room with a black grand piano in the center. Her music teacher was a plump woman with peacock feathers in her black hair, teal skin, and a dress of sequins. 

Her instructor led her through several songs. Charlie’s shaking fingers struggled to hit the right keys at the right time. She flinched every time she made a mistake. 

At one point, she got so frustrated, that she transformed into her demonic self and sang one of her songs in a fury. Standing up and spreading out her hands, she lifted up the grand piano and threw it into the air. The instrument landed on her music teacher with a large crash. The demon teacher gasped and then her body went still.  
Charlie covered her mouth with her hands as a tense silence filled the space.   
“Oh, I’m sorry…I didn’t mean it…I just didn’t want to play anymore…”  
She glanced nervously at her father. But instead of anger, her father was crying tears of joy.  
“Oh my dear Charlotte, I’m so proud of you! You did a splendid job.”  
Feeling relieved, Charlie beamed and embraced her father. 

As the years went by, Charlie went through lessons on dining etiquette, manners, demonology history, music history, and politics. 

During one quiet day, a young Charlie frolicked in the brown grass, while bare trees reached for the beige polluted sky. She wore a dress of white and dull lavender, with a matching colored sunhat with a pink bow on her head. She smiled as she sat down on her knees. A bunch of small red daisies dotted the field and she picked them up one by one. She held a bundle of them in her hands and sniffed their sweet scent. She heard a familiar voice nearby.  
“I never knew that natural beauty could exist in this place.”  
Charlie turned to see her mother walk gracefully through the grass. Her corset-like dress was light brown down the front, with long white sleeves and a dark brown top covering her shoulders and neck. Black gloves covered her fidgeting hands. A brown sun hat with a black spider and web on top nestled over her long blonde hair.   
Lilith knelt down beside her daughter.  
“Isn’t it wonderful, Mommy?” the young girl asked. “A whole bunch of flowers here for us to enjoy. Most of the demons here don’t appreciate the small things in life.”  
“That’s true,” Lilith replied.   
A strange sadness appeared in her eyes, which were yellow with black sclera.   
Charlie looked over. “What’s wrong, Mommy?”  
“Oh, it’s nothing, Charlotte,” she replied.   
“Do you think I’ll be able to make friends?” Charlie asked. “It seems like not many people want to be my friend. They don’t even care that I’m a so called princess.”

Lilith tried to find a way to comfort her.  
“Well, you’re always optimistic, positive in almost any situation. And you’re quite tough as well. No one has messed around with you.”  
“Like Daddy, said, “don’t take any shit from demons.’ What shouldn’t I take from them, exactly?”  
“Oh for Satan’s sake,” Lilith murmured.   
“Huh?” Charlie asked.  
“Nothing,” she said, waving a hand. “It just means be careful who you trust. Some may want to be your friend, but others are…wary. We’re the most influential family in Hell and we strive for chaotic order.”  
“Meaning like having parties and singing songs and stuff?”  
Lilith hesitated. “Well…yeah, if you wish.”  
Charlie beamed. “Oh, that’s wonderful! I bet we will do a great job for our new friends. Thanks, mommy!”  
Charlie embraced her mother and then ran around happily in the park.   
There was no point in Lilith telling her what was really on her mind. That Hell was no place for happiness and innocent fun. That many demons feared their family and envied them.   
That Charlie would always be powerful and different…  
…being part angel and part demon…and never living a previous mortal life. 

In high school, Charlie met Vaggie, a moth demon who would soon become her best friend, and girlfriend. Vaggie was frequently bullied by the other demon kids, but Charlie’s demon form was enough to get them to back off.   
“Hi, I’m Charlie!” the princess said, bubbly.  
“I’m Vaggie,” the young girl said shyly. Vaggie had long white hair and a pink ‘X’ over her left eye. Her overall appearance was goth-like. Her sclera was light pink and she wore a white mini-dress. Her left stocking had pink stripes while her right stocking was navy blue. There was even a pink bow in her hair. The two friends grew closer as time went on. Vaggie even gathered the courage to share how she died one Halloween night.  
“It was back in 2014,” she said. “I was a regular Latino human who was fascinated by bugs and the supernatural. Punching asshole guys and slicing their nuts off was super fun. You know, black guys and white guys insulting my culture and all, I just wasn’t having it.”  
She continued. “People thought I was weird, but I didn’t give a fuck. I was in love with this cute girl in my class, but this guy who claimed he was my boyfriend didn’t like that. He kept calling me a butch bitch and wouldn’t leave me alone. One night, on my way home from a punk rock concert, he appeared behind me and slammed me against the wall. He tore off my bra, pulled down my pants and…”  
Her breath caught in her throat. Tears fell from her eyes. “His friends were standing there too…they just laughed at my naked form. He went into me over and over, and over again!”  
She buried her face in her hands, as Charlie held her tightly.   
“I’m so sorry, Vaggie,” she said quietly.   
“Not only that,” she stuttered between sobs, “he stabbed me here…”  
She pointed to her left eye,  
“…and here…”  
She mentioned to her breasts…  
“…and finally set the rest of me on fire.”

Charlie was crying too, sharing her friend’s pain. “I can’t imagine what’s that’s like. To go through that…and being a human…”  
“Well, I’m not a human anymore,” she said, wiping away her tears. “I’m a demon stuck in this hellhole. There’s a good reason I don’t trust men…I never trusted them when I was alive. Don’t even get me started on my abusive father.”  
Charlie sat and listened, providing a source of comfort for her friend.


	3. Hazbin Hotel: That's Entertainment!

Both of Charlie’s parents envisioned their daughter as an asset to the family business. She was the princess of a hotel and they hoped that by encouraging demons to remain in fear and respect of their family, that no conflicts would arise.

But then, Charlie proposed something radical, unexpected…and even dangerous. She wanted to create the Happy Hotel as a place for sinners to redeem themselves. Lucifer thought it was a joke at first. Charlie had laughed and explained her plan.

“Isn’t it brilliant?” she asked, a smile on her face. She stood in the living room of their elegant home. “This could be the solution we need that could benefit everyone.”  
Her father was not amused and her mother was skeptical.  
“How would running a hotel cause the demons to change so fast?” he asked. “Your plan is impractical and downright ridiculous.”  
“What makes you think this idea will work?” asked Lilith.  
“Glad you asked,” said Charlie. She cleared her throat, opened her mouth wide and stood on a table.  
Lucifer held up a hand.  
“No singing necessary.”  
Charlie let out a sigh and hoped down. “If the demons could become good people who give up their bad habits, just think how much better this world would be. Heaven wouldn’t need to exterminate the population year after year. Crime rates would drop, gambling and drugs would become afterthoughts. Who knows? Maybe those reformed enough could leave to live better afterlives!”  
“Leave?!” asked Lucifer. “You do realize that demons were sent here for a reason. If they were to change their ways, then our economy and society would crumble. Even worse, there would be revolts, riots.”  
Charlie stared with curiosity. “What’s bad about that?”  
“It’d put our family and legacy at risk!” Lucifer replied. “Our livelihood depends on preserving tradition and establishing a chaotic order, if you will.”  
“Our legacy could change for the better,” Charlie countered. “No more killings and despair for everyone. You may not think that anyone cares about purges, but I know that there are families out there who have lost beloved members due to those purges.”  
“Me and the other demons do care about the purges,” Lucifer stated. “Which is why it would only get worse if demons decided to change.”  
Lilith put a comforting hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “Charlotte, I understand that you’re trying hard to do what’s best for Hell. I, too, wish things could have been different. Unfortunately, things are the way they are. It can’t be helped. Why make matters worse to begin with?”

Tears started to fall from Charlie’s’ golden eyes. “Why aren’t you guys listening to me?”  
She pulled away. “If all of us want better lives here free from killings…”  
She pointed to her drawing of the Happy Hotel on a piece of paper,  
“…then this is the only way to make it happen.”  
Lucifer crossed his arms, his eyes glowing red. “You will, under no circumstances, open that hotel.”  
Charlie’s fangs grew slightly longer. “I have to try!”  
Lilith sighed softly, looking back and forth as her family members argued.  
Charlie took several deep breaths and placed her hand over her heart. “I know there’s good in every demon here. They just need to be reminded of their potentials, their purposes.”  
“The purpose of demons,” said Lucifer with a glare, “is to suffer in damnation forever. None of them can be redeemed, that’s just who they are. The sooner you realize that, the better.”  
Charlie groaned out loud in frustration. “I refuse to believe that!”  
Lucifer sighed. “I know I can’t change your beliefs, but I’m still in charge. As king, I forbid you to…”  
“La la la! Can’t hear you!” Charlie called, covering her ears.  
“Now you’re just being childish,” said Lilith. “I’d send you to your room, but you’re 117 years old.”  
“I feel like I’m 17 instead.”  
“Age doesn’t matter,” said Lucifer. “Our legacy does, however. I will not allow you to drag it through the mud.”  
“Then I’ll just create a new one!” said Charlie. Anger flooded her head and spread through her arms. Sparks of electricity danced around her clawed fingers. Charlie backed up from the living room and entered a long hallway. Her father followed.  
Lilith stepped back and cussed under her breath. She knew a fight was coming on, and it was never pretty.  
Charlie summoned balls of fire from her palms. Lucifer summoned his staff into his hand, a long black one with a red apple on top. The fireballs shot from Charlie’s hands but her father made them vanish on the spot with a wave of his hand. Charlie jumped into the air, ready to attack. Using his staff, Lucifer created a hole that dropped Charlie to a farther spot down the hall. 

“I hate portals,” Charlie muttered.

Closing her eyes, Charlie conjured a flaming unicorn and hopped onto its back.  
“For cupcakes and rainbows!” she shouted as she galloped forward toward her father.  
“Enough of this!” he yelled. He shot a band of red energy at the unicorn, destroying it. Charlie tumbled to the ground, and then righted herself. Her entire body was then engulfed in flames, her black horns growing from her head. A volley of flames spread from her in every direction, breaking several windows and nearby vases. One painting depicting humans being thrown into a lake of lava crumbled to ash.  
Lilith came into the room and gasped. “Charlotte!” she scolded. “That painting cost 240 souls to purchase!”  
Ignoring her mother, Charlie danced around, avoiding her father’s attacks. “I’m sticking with my idea!”  
Lucifer held out his hand, and a glowing red pentagram appeared on the floor under Charlie’s feet. Charlie jumped into the air, only for her to be surrounded by a web of neon red vines. Charlie’s fire from her body could not burn away the sharp vines restraining her.  
“Father…let go!” she yelled.  
Lucifer walled over to her, slowly. “Be grateful that you are my daughter,” he said. “If you were anyone else who had questioned me…”  
“Lucifer,” warned Lilith from behind.  
“Listen well, Charlotte, because I won’t say this again. If you know what’s good for you, you will give up on your idea and start behaving like an adult.”  
“But I am an adult!” Charlie protested, no longer struggling. “And I’ve decided as princess to continue on with opening the hotel. It will be what’s best for us.”  
The vines around her tightened.  
Flames sparked in Lucifer’s eyes. “If you think causing a war is what’s best for us, then you are gravely mistaken. I had high hopes for you all these years. But now…you’re nothing but a failure.”  
Charlie stared in newfound shock, eyes wide. She felt a stabbing pain inside her that had nothing to do with the vines.

Failure.  
Failure.  
Failure.  
That was all she ever seemed to be in her father’s eyes. 

She thought back to her rivals, Helsa and Katie Killjoy. Helsa was a woman with gray skin and octopus tentacles for hair. She had been Charlie’s rival since they were little.  
“You and your family are an utter disgrace,” she had said, flaunting her pink fur jacket, dark skirt and high heeled boots. “You’re a naïve fool with such airheaded ideas. How I’d love to see you humiliated and my family reach the top.”

And then there was Katie Killjoy, who was potentially even worse. Homophobic and self-centered, she cared only about her appearance and good ratings on the news.  
“You call yourself a princess,” she had scoffed, blowing a cigarette, “but you’re scum, just like everyone else.”

Charlie willed for her memories to go away. Since the beginning, Charlie had felt like an outsider. It wasn’t just because of her friendlier personality in comparison to those around her. It was also due to the fact that she was the only one born in Hell…everyone else had lived past lives on Earth or Heaven. 

Lilith stepped forward and destroyed the vines with a wave of her hand. Everyone took shaking breaths and became silent for a moment. Charlie’s horns retracted back into her head, and the flames dwindled and disappeared around her body. Charlie was free and she promptly stomped away, head lowered.  
Lucifer spoke in a booming voice that echoed throughout the room. “We will come back to this!”  
“Charlotte, do not go outside yet!” Lilith warned before Charlie was out of sight.

Charlie stared out the window into the crimson sky of Hell. Lilith was right to be concerned about the outside world. To Charlie’s horror, the purge was underway. Robotic angels with sinister smiles and red Xs for eyes swooped down and stabbed any demon that they could find. They were immune to demonic magic, as shown when one green eel-like demon tried in vain to push back an angel with his magic. One stab to the eel’s chest brought the monster to the ground, lifeless. In the shadows, one demon with thick dark gray hair like a lion, plucked an abandoned spear from a fallen demon. Another demon in a lab coat took notes on a clipboard. The feline-demon walked with the weapon proudly, considering selling it on the black market for a huge price. Passerby ignored the imp demons who began feasting on the bodied body.  
Charlie let out a yelp as something went flying toward her. A bat demon was thrown hard against the window and its body slid down the glass pane before falling. Dark blood was left behind, streams flowing down like thick raindrops. An angel of death slowly turned its head toward Charlie. She gasped in fright, moving out of sight with her back against the wall. 

She wished that her girlfriend Vaggie were with her to comfort her. She had met the emo-like, misandrist woman back when they were very young. They were childhood friends whose friendship developed into something deeper. Complementary opposites, Vaggie’s no-nonsense personality kept Charlie grounded in reality…sometimes. 

Charlie often wondered…could there be a better place for demons? Heaven was inaccessible and only for the elite and those who met strict qualifications. Hell was overpopulated with people…some were evil for sure…but others just made mistakes.  
Those lucky enough to forego Heaven and Hell went to a limbo place where there was dark nothingness…at least that what her father claimed after eavesdropping on humans during his fall to Hell.

Could that really be it? If the angels were to kill everyone, would the victims just cease to exist? Would those formerly lost humans serve no purpose other than suffering in their afterlives?

She tried to imagine what mortals might be feeling. She didn’t know very much, but she figured that they had the same desires as herself. 

“Should I really keep going? Should I try to provide more opportunities for the people here? What if I really am a failure?”

It seemed like forever, but eventually, a deathly silence announced that the purge had ended. The numbers below a clock tower read 365 days until the next purge. Charlie slowly walked outside onto a balcony. She couldn’t bring herself to look at the carnage down below.  
Among the broken weapons and corpses, “fuck you, heaven!” was written in red on a nearby wall. “Cleanse!” was scribbled on posters of an angel of death. Up in the sky, a lone planet with a pentagram loomed overhead. More signs displayed advertisements, porn, drugs, and drinks. In one area, a figure of a demonic woman in promiscuous clothing posed next to a sign that read “Porn Studios.” In a shadier part of town, large red signs read “punishment,” and “your days are numbered.” A demon with the head of a bull picked up a fallen head from the ground and loaded it into his shopping cart of other heads. Casino signs flashed in the darkness and faint music pounded from strip clubs. 

Tears fell freely from Charlie’s yellow eyes. Her long blond hair fluttered in the breeze. She wore a black bow tie, black suspenders, and a white shirt under her pink tuxedo.  
Charlie lifted her finger into the air and colorful fireworks boomed in the sky.  
Feeling free to express herself, the demon princess sang her lament.

“At the end of the rainbow, there’s happiness  
And to find it, how often I’ve tried  
But my life is a race  
Just a wild goose chase  
And my dreams have all been denied”

“A ray of hope in this world of black  
I wish the world to be free of sin  
But no matter hard I try  
I can’t get by  
I never seem to win”

“Why have I always been a failure?  
What can the reason be?  
I wonder if the world’s to blame  
I wonder if it could be me”

“I’m always chasing rainbows  
Watching clouds drifting by  
My schemes are just like my dreams  
Ending in the sky”

“Some fellows look and find the sunshine  
I always look and find the rain  
Some fellows make a winning sometimes  
I never even make the game  
Believe me”

“Will this world be a better place?  
Or will loss never go away?  
The choices I face, me, a disgrace  
Loss of hope here to stay”

“I’m always chasing rainbows  
Watching clouds drifting by  
My schemes are just like my dreams  
Ending in the sky”

“I’m always chasing rainbows  
Waiting to find a little bluebird  
In vain.”

Not too far away from Charlie’s location, a slender female demon wearing a black dress, opened up red curtains and watched the fireworks in the sky. Toward the back was an overlord demon wearing a black top hat with a skull on it. His face was stormy gray and his four eyes were yellow. He casually sipped from a red goblet. Behind him was a shadowy figure of a cyclops woman…and Lucifer sitting on a chair, holding his cane. 

At Valentino’s Porn Studios, a demon named Vox with a TV head and a woman with dark violet hair posed for a selfie. The woman, Velvet, grinned and checked her phone. Valentino, the head of the company, was elaborately dressed in a fur coat with hearts, wore pink heart-shaped sunglasses and a dark pink top hat. He tapped his clawed finger impatiently as he glanced down at the messages.

Valentino: Did you get my money, Angie baby?  
Angel Dust: I’m wittha John now. I don’t get why this needed to happen so soon after the extermination tho. Boss.  
Valentino: Just do it. No sass. K sugar.  
Angel Dust: Yes, Val. 

Down below, a demon with a mane of hair proudly took a discarded weapon and left to sell it on the black market. An emotionless woman in a lab coat walked around with a clipboard, taking notes. Imps with top hats began to feast on the bloodied corpse in the street. Up above, a woman wearing a pink hat with feathers and skulls crossed out the word “Franklin” on the sign “Franklin and Rosie Emporium.” 


	4. TURF WARS

The time on the grand clock read 5:07, and down below, the next cleanse would occur in 365 days. A small blue demon fell down to the ground with a yell, a cloud of dust rising in the air. The demon had four arms and large red eyes. He touched his face and body, clearly relieved.   
“Oh, I’m alive. I’m alive!” he exclaimed.  
Immediately, he was run over by a speeding car, exploding in a flash of blood.  
The car stopped on a road, where a Jackpot Hotel and Casino stood in the background.   
A tall, white demon walked out of the car and rested his elbow on the top of the door. He slicked back the hair on his head with one of his pink gloved hands. Being a spider demon, he had multiple arms. He wore a black bow tie, tall stiletto boots, and a shirt with pink and white stripes. His irises were pink, the sclera in his left eye dark instead of white. Pink dots resembling small eyes were lined up below his eyes. 

“Thanks for the fun time, hot stuff,” said the driver.  
The white demon closed the door. “Yeah, yeah, listen. Keep this discreet, hear me? I can’t let it get out I’m offering my services to randos on the street. It was a quick cash grab, ya got that?”  
Travis, the dark owl demon scoffed. He wore a black hat and both his eyes were red. One eye had black sclera.  
“Whatever you say, slut!” he mocked with a laugh.   
The white demon cupped his face dramatically. “Ouch, ooh, such an insult!”  
Travis stared nervously, a small heart in his left eye.   
The white demon leaned in, showing a mouth full of fangs. “Let me know when you come up with something creative to call me, you sack of poorly packed horse shit.”  
He poked Travis in the face with one hand, and grabbed his collar by one of his other hands.  
“Tell the missus I said hi,” he added before giving Travis a quick kiss.  
“Schnookums. She’s not coming back. Pack of poor…” Travis muttered, rolling up his window and speeding off. The car squealed and flipped over on its side in the air, falling with a loud crash.

The white demon glanced over at a nearby store. A sign advertising a casino with a pack of cards on the front read, “Casino: just a few wins away.” Beside an elevator, was a fridge with an upside down cross on the front. A vending machine with the word “drugs” on it in white letters, caught the demon’s attention. Giddy with excitement, he walked over and glanced down at the options:

Coke  
Bojack  
McWeedies420  
Squip  
Hero-in  
Krunchy Krokodil  
Angel Dust

The demon pressed “Angel Dust” and a white sack fell to the bottom. With a greedy smile, he took it in his hand. Coincidentally, Angel Dust was also his name.   
With a yoink, a small gray imp demon snatched the bag from Angel’s hands.   
“Hey!” Angel called angrily.  
“Up yours, drag show!” he taunted, before being crushed to death by a boulder.   
“Oh my god!” Angel cried in terror, racing to the scene.  
But it wasn’t the fallen thief he was concerned about.  
“My drugs! Damn it!” he cursed, picking up a piece of the sack.

Overhead were neon signs on top of buildings. One in yellow letters read “Begg Slut” and another one in teal: “I couldn’t think of a pun for our shop but we sell hard drugs!”

Angel turned around and spotted a flying metal aircraft, which was firing lasers at buildings. It looked like an industrial rocket ship made with gears and a steampunk style to it. A metal hook hung from the bottom of it. The lasers struck the buildings, which caused bright pink explosions to fill the air.  
From inside the ship, a serpent overlord stood high above over the controls, laughing manically. Down below, his deviled egg minions stood and watched. Each of them wore black top hats and pinstriped round clothing. They were called Egg Bois.   
The room had deep purple walls, cabinets for the minions and decorations of their leader along the wall.   
The overlord was Sir. Pentious. He wore a gray coat with yellow vertical stripes down the front. He had a black tail with yellow stripes and pink eyes all over. He wore a top hat with a moving pink eye and a grinning mouth of fangs. He sprouted a demonic grin of his own, his hood also full of several pink eyes. 

Up on the platform, he oriented two levers in his hands, the control button in the center displaying a pentagram design.   
“Those other cowardly sinners dare not hinder my territorial takeover! A wise decision. The power of my machines are unmatched! No other demon can compare to the likes of I!”  
One egg minion with #23 on his back added, “Gee that was pretty swell boss!”  
“Yeah!” another chimed in: #666.  
“You really showed them what for!” called a third.  
Another minion teasingly ran his fingers up the overlord’s spine. “I like it when you shot them with your ray gun…”  
Sir Pentious punched a minion out the window and whirled around in anger. The other minions backed up. “I wish he’d shoot me with his ray gun,” a minion whispered, head lowered.  
Sir Pentious rolled his eyes at his masochist minions. He turned back to the controls and grinned. Pentagram circles revealed the areas he had taken over and the other territories ahead. “At this rate, I will seize control of the entire west side of the Pentagram by day’s end!”   
He laughed and bragged some more. “And nothing, not a single beast in this inferno of suffering, will be able to take back this empire from my constrictive grasp!”  
As to prove his point, he grabbed a minion in his tail and tightly squeezed him.   
Another minion blew a noisemaker and then popped open a blue bottle of a brown drink. The overlord threw the minion across the room as the eggs celebrated down below.   
“Hell will be mine,” he declared, “and everybody will know the name of Sir Pe…”  
“Edgelord!” yelled a voice.  
“Pardon?!” Sir Pentious shot back in shock. “Who said that?!”  
He leaned in close to two of his minions, not pleased.  
“What did you just say to me, you fried chicken fetuses?!”  
The minions shook in fear.   
“Speak up!” he hissed.  
“It wasn’t us, mister boss man!” said a minion.

Just then, an object shot through the glass at the front, creating a small hole. A small pink bomb with a black skull on the front, landed on the floor. Sir Pentious observed it for a moment…the bomb looked like a cherry…which could only mean…  
The bomb exploded, covering the room in sparkles and thick red smoke.  
Sir Pentious coughed and swiped some of the smoke away.  
“You looking for a fight, old man?” a female voice challenged.  
Sir Pentious spotted his rival standing proud and casually catching another bomb in her hand: Cherry Bomb.  
Towering tall in pink high heel boots, ripped black jeans, a pink crop top with an x on the front, long strawberry blonde hair, a single pink eye with an x that took up most of her white face…a grin of sharp teeth…it was her alright.  
“Why don’t you get that tinker toy bullshit off my turf before I smash it…” she declared before catching her bomb. A random barbell of metal crashed into the floor close to Cherri Bomb.  
“…more.”  
“Oh, you wanna go, missy?” Sir Pentious retorted. He flicked his hood back before opening it. Well, I’m happy to oblige!”  
He let out another evil laugh as his minions closed in, holding stun guns, crackling with yellow electricity.   
But Cherri Bomb wasn’t phased. With graceful leaps, she avoided the blasts and threw down another bomb. She used the cover to escape, jumping down and swinging once from the anchor at the bottom of the flying craft. Landing gracefully on the ground, she continued her assault from below.  
“Catch me if you can, snake man!”  
“Get her!” he bellowed through the red smoke, the eggs quickly running around in a frenzy. 

The minions jumped to the ground after her, the overlord following suit. Cherri Bomb dodged a blast, grinned and picked up the minion egg. She spun around and threw the minion straight into Sir Pentious’ face. He threw the egg back at her, and she caught it with one hand.   
“Thanks for the gift!” she called out, before cracking the egg open with an evil grin. She placed a bomb into it, then threw it back at him...straight to his face. Sir Pentious could only make a face of surprise before the egg blew up in pink smoke.   
“Why you little…”  
Cherri Bomb ducked as another egg sailed over her head. 

Just then, a familiar drug-addict white demon stomped on an egg minion and threw a grenade in the distance.  
“Angel Dust!” called Cherri Bomb, happy to have her partner in crime arrive.  
“Great to see you too, sweetie!” he teased.   
Another pink explosion filled the air as the fight continued.   
“Hey, thanks for the backup, Angie!” Cherri Bomb said as she fired a flaming red arrow with a large gun over toward Sir Pentious.   
Angel Dust laughed, leaning against volcanic rock as cover. He threw a grenade over his head.  
“You kiddin’? This is the best action I’ve seen in ages!”  
A pink explosion rocked the streets.   
“Where have you been anyway?” she asked. “I thought you up and died or some shit.”  
“I wish,” he remarked as he lit another fuse and handed the bomb to his ally. She threw it forward, then ducked behind the rock next to Angel.  
Angel continued, “I’ve been staying at this crappy hotel on the other side of town. Some boards are lettin’ me stay rent-free if I play nice.” They covered their ears.  
A column of green smoke rose into the air with a fiery whoosh. The duo leaped over the rock and charged at the army of egg minions. Using four arms, Angel Dust fired rapidly from a gun at the minions, making some of them explode.  
He sighed, and used one of his hands to gesture. “Y’know, no fights, no pranks, no “problematic language.” Her words, not mine.”  
He tripped an unsuspecting minion, sending him into the air and exploding in a yellow yok mess. He waved a spiked club and continued firing his gun. A pot shop stood in the background, with marijuana leaves near the sign.  
“These bitches are no fun!” Angel complained in frustration. Splatters of yok landed on his head and face. “I’ve been clean for two weeks!”  
“Holy shit!” Cherri Bomb yelled after avoiding a green explosion and leaping into the air.  
Angel scooped up yok with his finger. “Well, sorta clean.” He smashed apart another egg minion with his club. “As clean as you can get with a shitload of Bolivian marching powder.”  
Angel’s shadowy silhouette displayed sharp fangs as Cherri posed in the background, one of her boots missing. A sign read “50% off meth” above a small super market.   
A black chain wrapped tightly around Angel’s waist and chest, sending him flying backwards. Cherri Bomb gasped as her ally was pulled away. Sir Pentious threw the chained Angel Dust hard onto the ground a distance away. He landed with a thud against volcanic rock.  
“Oh, harder daddy!” Angel teased with a wide smirk.  
Sir Pentious gasped, eyes tearing up. “Son?!”  
Angel Dust stared blankly, one eye raised, a look of disbelief on his face.   
Cherri Bomb rushed into action, landing a sharp kick to Sir Pentious’ back. The villain landed on the ground, then hissed threateningly.   
“You whores have no class!” he exclaimed. “In war, the side remembered is the side with the most…style.” He straightened his black bowtie with a spring.  
Cherri Bomb broke open an egg and tossed the shells aside. Angel stood up, freeing himself from the chains.  
“Or the side that ain’t dead,” she added.  
“Speaking of style, is your hat like, alive or somethin’?  
Sir Pentious hissed. “Oh, well, that’s none of your goddamn business, now is it?”  
Angel continued, “Would that make your hat the top and you the bottom?”  
He and Cherri burst into laughter. Even a pink “loser” sign pointed at the oblivious villain. “Ooooh,” said a minion near him. “One hellish burn.”  
“I’m going to blow you to bits!” Sir Pentious yelled, pointing at them.  
“Hm! Kinky!” Angel teased.   
An advertisement displaying a plate of, sausage, eggs and a tomato slice stood halfway buried in the ground. A glowing pink sign pointing down read “pussy.” Another yellow sign read, “Sex here.”  
“I’m not like that! Pervert!” yelled the villain. Cherri Bomb and Angel Dust held in laughter.  
Angel suddenly pushed Cherri Bomb out of the way, as an egg minion shot tendrils of claws from behind them. The claws had eyes in the center and grabbed onto Angel’s four wrists. He struggled to free himself, the cords stretching.   
Sir Pentious chuckled. “Not so cocky now, are we?”  
“Y’know, you really need to watch what’s coming out of your mouth,” Angel remarked. “Cocky…cumming, you get it?”  
The villain didn’t respond.  
Angel sighed. “I’ve been making these sex jokes the whole time!”  
A drill poked out from the ground, Angel avoiding it. A minion held a drill in his small hands at Angel. Two extra arms popped out from Angel’s body, holding his rifle.  
“And it’s obvious you ain’t catching on.”  
He cocked his gun. “I mean, it’s just sad!”  
He jumped into the air, freeing himself and firing the gun. The laser hit Sir Pentious, and his gray top hat fell off.  
Cherri Bomb popped up next to Angel. “So, think you’re gonna get into a lot of trouble for this?”  
“Eh, what’s one little brawl gonna cause?” He shrugged his shoulders and retracted his extra arms. Sir Pentious lay fuming on the ground.  
More egg minions scrambled over to the edge of a high cliff, overlooking the scene. Egg shells and yok puddles littered the cracked street.  
Cherri Bomb playfully elbowed Angel. “Glad ya haven’t changed. You know you’re my favorite guy to party with!”  
“You know it, sugar tits,” Angel replied.  
“You ready to finish this?” she asked. She rolled a bomb from one of her shoulders to her other shoulder, then into her hand.   
Angel cocked his gun again. “Born ready, baby!”  
The duo charged at Sir Pentious. Everyone yelled. More egg minions fell and Sir Pentious realized he was running out fast.

After several more minutes of battle, Sir Pentious and his remaining minions retreated back to his ship. “This isn’t over, sluts!” he declared at his enemies. “I’ll have my revenge!” The ship hatch closed. The egg minions steered the ship and it rose into the air, almost sending the overlord flying out of the craft. He tossed out more minions in response before taking the controls and flying the craft away.  
Angel and Cherri Bomb high-fived.  
“See you around,” she said.  
“Until the next brawl,” said Angel.  
Cherri Bomb waved goodbye and blasted music from an Eye Pod (a device made from an actual moving eye. “Hello, daddy. Hello mom. I’m your ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb! Hello world! I’m your wild girl. I’m your ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!” she sang out loud. Angel Dust laughed and continued on his way.  
After buying some more amino and pot from the 666 Shop, Angel met with Charlie and Vaggie in a white monster limo. A great day indeed for the promiscuous demon.


	5. Happy Hotel Interview

Transcript during the 666 News:  
“BREAKING NEWS: A LARGE SCALE TURF WAR IS UNDERWAY IN PENTAGRAM CITY BETWEEN SIR PENTIOUS AND CHERRI BOMB. THE SURROUNDING AREAS ARE COVERED IN DEBRIS, SO PLEASE AVOID DOWNTOWN ON YOUR COMMUTE TODAY. TRAFFIC IS “HELLA” BACKED UP. GET IT? “HELL” BUT WITH AN “A” AT THE END? THAT’S A WORD YOUNGER PEOPLE SEEM TO ENJOY USING. I DON’T REALLY LIKE IT, THOUGH. I WROTE IT BECAUSE IT SEEMED LIKE THE NATURAL KIND OF PUN TO MAKE FOR THIS SITUATION, BUT NOW THAT I SEE IT IN TEXT, I FEEL LIKE IT WAS A MISTAKE, A MISTAKE I CAN’T TAKE BACK…LIKE CHEATING ON MY WIFE. I’M SO SORRY, MARTHA. I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT, BUT YOU DID GAIN A LOT OF WEIGHT AFTER THE BABY AND I REALLY NEEDED SOME SPACE. YOU KNOW, WHAT? NO, THAT WAS A GOOD CALL. I BANGED THE CLEANING LADY, AND THAT WAS A PRETTY NICE TIME, EVEN THOUGH SHE LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I TOLD HER I COULDN’T GET OFF UNLESS SHE LICKED MY FOOT FIRST. I DON’T SEE HOW THAT’S A WEIRD REQUEST. MAYBE IF I’D JUST GET A HOOKER, SHE WOULD’VE BEEN MORE AGREEABLE. THE POINT IS, MY WIFE IS A FUCKING BITCH. ONE TIME, WE WENT TO THE ZOO AND I GOT REALLY MAD BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE ORANGUTAN WAS MAKING FUN OF ME. HE KEPT DOING THAT STUPID DUCK LIP FACE? THEIR LIPS ALL PUCKERED? THEN IT STARTED SCREAMING, AND THAT REALLY PISSED ME OFF. MY WIFE TOLD ME IT WAS JUST A MONKEY, AND TO “CALM DOWN.” 

A neon logo appeared on the screen, displaying “666 News” in a circle with a neon eye underneath. The names of the news cast appeared on the bottom of the screen.  
A skeletal demon woman with short blonde hair and a large toothy grin stood wearing a pink dress and a pearl necklace. Sitting at the other chair, dressed in a blue business suit was a demon with a gray gas mask for his face along with short white hair. They were live on the air.

“Good afternoon!” said the woman. “I’m Katie Killjoy.”  
“And I’m Tom Trench,” said the man. “Chaos at Pentagram City today as a turf war is raging on the west side between notable king Sir Pentious and self-proclaimed spunky powerhouse Cherri Bomb!”  
Two pictures surrounded by flame borders showed Sir Pentious wearing a yellow “music band” shirt, doing a peace sign and wearing his top hat as a baseball cap with a dopey expression on his face. The other picture showed Cherri Bomb flipping the bird and standing under glittering spotlights.   
“That’s right Tom!” Katie added. “After the recent extermination, many areas are now up for grabs! Demons all over Hell are already duking it out to gain new territory!”  
The clips showed Sir Pentious fighting Cherri Bomb with his egg minions.  
“Those two seem to really be going at it, huh? Looks like they’re fighting tooth and nail for that hot spot!” Katie popped a tooth and a nail into her mouth.  
“And I’d sure like to nail her hot spot!” Tom Trench said with a chuckle.  
Katie giggled forcefully. “You are a limp dick jackass, Tom. Or should I say…”  
Adding insult and injury, she poured her hot coffee over his crotch…  
“No dick!”  
“Augh! Not again!” he groaned.  
Another picture surrounded by a border of flames displayed Charlie with the letters “Princess of Hell” next to it.  
Katie continued. “Coming up next, we have an exclusive interview with the daughter of Hell’s own head honcho, who’s here to discuss her brand new passion-project!”  
Tom Trench winced in pain on the desk.  
“All that and more after the break!”  
She broke her mug in her hand, and turned to Tom Trench. “Suck it up you little bi…”  
The TV went off air, displaying Katie’s mouth and eyes, colored bars and “off air” with a pentagram in the “O”.

Inside the break room, Vaggie adjusted Charlie’s black bowtie. Nearby, a red tinted sign said that smoking was, indeed, allowed. Another sign read “on air,” in large letters.  
“Okay, you remember what to say?” Vaggie asked.  
Charlie took a deep breath, enthusiasm in her voice. “Yes! Let’s do this!”  
Vaggie put a comforting hand on her shoulder. She signaled with two fingers for her to pay attention. “Just, look at me and I’ll mouth it to you.”  
Charlie sighed. “Come on, Vaggie! I know what to say!”  
She walked over to the pitcher of red punch. “I just feel like we need to…I don’t know, make things sound more exciting…”  
She tossed a donut aside before gasping.   
“Oh! What if I…”  
“Sing a song about it?” Vaggie finished.  
“You knew I was gonna say that.” She playfully tapped her friend on the nose.   
Vaggie adjusted Charlie’s bowtie again and shook her shoulders. “Because I know you. But please don’t sing. This is serious.”  
Charlie snapped her fingers and briefly winked. “Well, you know, I’m better at expressing myself through song!” She stood on the table and arched her arm dramatically. Down below, Charlie’s doll demons Razzle and Dazzle chewed on donuts.  
“But life isn’t a musical, hon,” Vaggie reminded her.  
“Fine,” Charlie said with a slump. Then she brightened again.   
“But I do have these other ideas of what to say.”  
She got off the table and pulled out a piece of paper, hopping excitedly. “The highlighted bits are my favorite parts!”  
Vaggie took the paper and scanned it in disbelief. “Uh, it’s all highlighted. Is this a drawing?”  
“Yes!” Charlie answered. She pointed to her picture. It showed a list that read: “4, unicorn kisses,” “5, dolphin high-fives?” and “6, sing showtunes = happy ending!” She drew stick figures of demons standing on clouds under a rainbow with a sun and red hearts with faces on them.  
“That’s the happy ending, see? Everyone’s smiling and happy in Heaven!”  
“I don’t think it’s that simple,” Vaggie stated. She then begged her: “Just please follow the talking points we went over.”  
She pulled Charlie close and stared her directly in the eyes. “And do. Not. Sing.”  
Charlie sighed exasperatedly. “Fine.” Then she trotted over and spoke in an accent. “I’ll just have to resort to my impeccable improve skills.” She gave a salute, several moves of her head and went outside.   
Vaggie somehow knew that this would not be going well.  
Charlie walked over to Katie Killjoy, who posed in her red dress, smoking a cigarette.  
“Hi! I’m Charlie.”  
She waved and held out her hand.   
“Katie Killjoy,” the woman deadpanned before blowing out smoke and snapping her cigarette. “I’d say it’s a pleasure to meet you, but that would be a lie. You can put that away,” she regarded Charlie’s hand. “I don’t touch the gays. I have standards.”  
“Yeah?” Charlie asked nervously, looking at a big flashing sign that read “Hell’s #1 News!” “How’s uh…how’s that working for ya?”  
“Look, my time is money, so I’ll keep this short,” Katie cut in. She invasively tapped Charlie’s chest and nose with her finger. “We’re not here because we wanted you here. You’re here because Jeffry couldn’t make it for his cannibal cooking segment.”  
Katie mentioned to a billboard that showed a tall man with glasses, short blonde hair with a white chef’s hat, a red apron, red suit, red horns, and a red devil’s tail. He held a platter of poop, skulls, and raw meat in his hands. Above it read “It’s Dahn Good! Cooking show: Guarantee Cannibalicious!” “Who approved this show?” was written on a sticky note tapped to the corner of the advertisement. Tom Trench sook his head in his seat. “Sex! Murder! Weather!” were displayed on a column three smaller signs.   
Katie fluffed her hair, swayed her hips, and continued: “You might be some royal bigshot, but that doesn’t mean shit to me. I’m too rich and too influential to give a flying fuck about what some tux-wearing demon “princess” wants to advertise.”  
“But I…” Charlie began.  
“So don’t get cute with me, honey,” she warned, getting into Charlie’s face, “Or I will fucking bury you!”  
“And we’re live!” said a voice.  
Katie rushed back into her seat with a bony crack of her neck.   
“Welcome back!”  
Charlie sat in a chair next to her.  
“So, Charlotte…”  
“It’s Charlie,” she squeaked.  
“Whatever,” Katie dismissed. She took a frustrated breath and clicked her red pen in her hand. “Tell us about this new passion project you’ve been insistently pestering our news station about!”  
“Well…” Charlie cleared her throat. She looked nervously at the demonic crew in front of her. Vox, a demon with a TV head, had “words” flashed across the screen in angry red letters. There was a guy with a black top hat for a face, an Egyptian-like female with a white poodle, a woman with teal skin, a demon with glasses and green snake hair, a demon with two thin heads, several red horned demons and a few overlords. Another woman wore a hat with hanging beads and colorful Day of the Dead makeup on her face. Vaggie encouraged her to go on.   
Charlie took a deep breath.   
“As most of you know, I was born here in Hell, and growing up, I’ve always tried to see the good in everything around me.”  
Katie clicked her pen impatiently and broke it in pieces.  
Charlie continued, wiping off the dark pink ink from her face: “Hell is my home and you are my people. We…”  
Vaggie gave her a thumbs up and a smile.  
“…we just went through another extermination. We lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart to see my people being slaughtered every year. And no one is even given a chance!”  
Charlie banged her fist on the desk, waking Katie from a bored drooling daze. A buff demon with horns and four eyes with a skull bull face wore a shirt with the word “crew” on it. An imp with a heart on his forehead stood nearby.  
Charlie made her way forward. “I can’t stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence! So, I’ve been thinking. Isn’t there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell? Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through…redemption?”  
Charlie pulled the buff demon into a side hug. “Well, I think yes. So that’s what this project aims to achieve!” She ran back to the desk.  
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m opening the first of its kind! A hotel that rehabilitates sinners!”

The audience stared in stunned silence. Not even the flesh-eating crickets were chirping through the awkward quiet.

A bloodstained logo “Radio Hack” was displayed above a window which provided a stack of dozens of TVs inside. One demon watching had deer antlers and a flaming blue face, one of the many cruel overlords. Crymini, the 90’s hellhound, stood with a little demon wearing a jester hat upside down. Two hellhound twins stood nearby, one with dyed red hair, the other purple. A neon sign nearby read “Bar” “Klub Kanji,” and “used TVs.”  
In a bar, dark demons wearing cowboy hats were playing pool, not even paying attention. The lead demon wore a cloth over his grinning face and had a large barrel gun for an arm. His friend looked like a demonic bug, and another looked like a mustached villain from an old film. Meanwhile in a bar, purple and blue dragon-like demons sat and drank while casually watching the TVs.   
Charlie stuttered, “Ya know…’Cause hotels are for people passing through…temporarily…”  
A tattooed reptile demon stood up and let out a loud laugh.   
“Is this girl for real? She thinks, you hear what she thinks? She…heh, heh, heh, oh she’s nuts.” The demon walked away with a small lavender creature and a tall maroon being wearing punk rock clothing and crazy neon hair.  
Charlie added, “I figure it would serve a purpose…a place work toward redemption!” She weakly added, “Yay.”

One demon leaped away as a tall shadowy figure stood in the background…  
The figure stood right next to a ratted flier which read “Beware him! Do not fuck with him!” “The Radio Demon” was scrawled in white on demons screaming and fleeing from a monster with antlers overhead.   
The man smiled and tilted his head a notch as he watched the TV with curiosity and amusement. His shadow next to him briefly morphed into a shadowy face with antlers on top. He spotted the fliers out of the corner of his red eyes, holding in a laugh.   
“Who, me? ‘Obviously’ not! I’d never put on a show and make other demons flee to their graves.”  
Just the thought of it got him excited.

He had heard of the demon princess before, but he wasn’t expecting her to appear on TV. He certainly never heard of an idea so crazy before. Making sinners good people was even less likely than making pigs fly (which was one magic trick he could do on occasion).   
When Charlie started to sing, the red eyed demon couldn’t help but tap his cloven feet and silently hum along.   
“Haven’t been this entertained since I broadcasted my massacre of the ninth circle city. This pretty Charlie character is intriguing…” 

Befriending the princess, and doing something different seemed like a good idea. He glanced over at a faraway Happy Hotel building.  
He knew where he would go next. 

Back at the news station, a cameraman with blue hair and a white face looked up and scoffed, “Stupid bitch.”  
Vaggie punched him hard in the face in response.  
Charlie stared around her, concerned. “Look, every single one of you has something good deep down inside. I know you do.”  
A light bulb went off into her head. “Maybe I’m not getting through to you…”  
Vaggie face palmed, knowing what was coming next. “Oh no…”  
Charlie snapped her fingers and her bodyguard demons appeared. One sat and began to play a grand piano. 

Summoning the Disney princess within her, Charlie belted out her song:

“I have a dream  
I’m here to tell  
About a wonderful, fantastic new hotel  
Yes, it’s one of a kind  
Right here in Hell  
Catering to a specific clientele”

Razzle and Dazzle howled along…

“Inside of every demon is a rainbow  
Inside every sinner is a shiny smile  
Inside of every creepy hatchet-wielding maniac  
Is a jolly, happy cupcake-loving child”

“We can turn around  
They’ll be heaven-bound!  
With just a little time  
Down at the Happy Hotel!”

“So all you junkies, freaks and weirdos  
Creepers, fuck-ups, crooks, and zeroes  
And the fallen superheroes, help is here!  
All of you cretins, sluts and losers  
Sexual deviants and boozers  
And prescription drug abusers  
Need not fear  
Forever again  
We’ll cure your sin  
We’ll make you well  
You’ll feel so swell  
Right here in Hell at the Happy Hotel!”

“There’ll be no more fire  
And no more screams  
Just puppy dog kisses, and cotton candy dreams  
And puffy-wuffy clouds  
You’re gonna be like, wow!  
Once you check in with me!”

“So all your cartoon porn addictions  
Vegan rants, psychic predictions  
Ancient Roman crucifixions  
End right here!”

“All you monsters, thieves and crazies  
Cannibals and crying babies  
Frothing mouthers full of rabies  
Fill with cheer!”

“You’ll be complete!  
It’ll be so neat!  
Our service can’t be beat!  
You’ll be on easy street! (Yes!)  
Life will be sweet at the Happy Hotel!   
Yeah!”

Throughout the song, Charlie imagined giving a shiny cupcake to a masked killer, holding cotton candy and a brown puppy in her arms in the clouds…avoiding the attacks of every horror movie serial killer… (Music Logic)  
She pictured throwing drugs into a bin of fire, giving shots to monsters, giving money to charity, disturbing porn additions with a bra…  
Snatching a “My waifu” porn mag of out a demon’s hands…  
Throwing away demon’s cell phones…  
Knocking over crosses…  
Avoiding a scary spider overlord with yellow bat wings and pink eyes all over his body…  
Giving demons big hugs…

Charlie emerging in her horned demon form from a flaming pentagram, and jumping with joy in a land full of candy, rainbows, and ice cream.

Charlie finished with a pose on the table, arms in the air and panted.   
The top hat demon smiled. “Wow! That was…shit!”

The crowd burst into rancorous laughter and boos, including a blue demon made of fire in the boo section. Katie shrieked and banged her fist on the table.   
“What in the nine circle of Hell makes you think a single denizen of Hell would give two shits about becoming a better person? You have no proof that this little experiment even works! You want people to be good just…because?”  
Charlie lifted up her head. “Well, we have a patron already who believe in our cause, and he’s shown incredible progress!”  
“Oh?” Katie asked, leaning in, “…and who might that be?”  
“Oh just someone named…Angel Dust.”  
“The porn star?” asked Tom Trench in disbelief. He subconsciously unzipped his zipper and Katie whirled on him; “You fucking would, Tom!” Her sharp nails left marks on the table.  
Katie turned back to Charlie. “In any case, that’s not even an accomplishment. I’m sure you can get that hooker to do anything with enough booger sugar and lube.”  
Someone wolf-whistled in the audience.  
“Oh, I beg to differ,” Charlie argued, holding up her fingers. “He’s been behaved, clean, and out of trouble for two weeks now.”

“Breaking news!” announced a voice as music came on. Excited, Katie pushed Charlie aside. “We are receiving word that a new player has entered the ongoing turf war! Let’s go to the live feed!”  
To Charlie’s sheer horror, Angel Dust was seen on screen, crushing egg shells and fighting with Cherri Bomb.  
“Oh shit,” she breathed.  
“Oh shit indeed!” exclaimed Katie with a grin. “It looks like the one who has just joined the battle is none other than…”  
She let out a dramatic gasp…”porn actor Angel Dust! What a juicy coincidence!”  
The screen showed Angel Dust with the words “Angel Dust in ‘Well, Ok’: 18+.”  
Satisfied, she turned back to Charlie. “You must feel really stupid right now.” Katie and Tom laughed again.  
“Ratings!” Katie and Tom added with jazz hands.  
“Don’t look at this!” Charlie called, waving her arms in vain from behind the screen.   
“Well, it sure looks like your little project is dead on arrival. Tell us, how does it feel to be such a total failure?”

Failure. Failure…Charlie could see her doubt reflected in Katie’s pink eyes and overbearing shadowy figure. Katie and everyone laughed some more, their jeers painful to Charlie’s ears.   
“Yeah?” Charlie asked. She snatched up Katie’s red pen and held it triumphantly. “Well, how does it feel that I got your pen, huh? Bitch!”  
Katie glared dangerously. Charlie dropped the pen with a nervous smile, “Oops.”  
Katie grew taller, her form turning to shadow. Out sprouted claws, four extra sharp appendages, and four red eyes on her face like a spider. She launched herself at Charlie. Charlie pulled her hair and landed punches as the alarm went off in the news room. Katie crawled on the desk in all legs, baring her fangs before Charlie jumped at her and knocked her off the table. Tom Trench got so distressed that his entire body burst into flames.   
Charlie ran out of the news room, Katie following her close behind, as everyone yelled.  
“And stay out, you retarded dike!” Katie cussed as Charlie made a run for it down the sidewalk. Charlie was tempted to strangle the homophobic, news diva with her bare hands…but that would only contradict her goal…if she even had one anymore.

Vaggie followed her and the two of them didn’t say a word as they waited for their ride. Soon enough, a white limo with a monster mouth on the front of the vehicle rolled to the curb. Vaggie and Charlie climbed in…and so did an ecstatic Angel Dust. The doors closed and they drove off toward the Happy Hotel.


	6. Car Ride to the Hotel

Charlie had never felt so humiliated in her life. She sat in her seat and curled into herself. Once again, her ideas were dismissed, mocked, ridiculed. No one was willing to see the good in themselves. The demons were content to wallow in suffering, violence, and cruelty until the end of their afterlives. Tears were already threatening to spill from her yellow eyes, but she held them in.  
Maybe her father was right. What if she really was a failure, like everyone said?  
As if reading her mind, Vaggie gave her a small hug next to her. “You’re not a failure, Charlie. It’s just…no one understands your ideas. People think they’re…I don’t know…outlandish?”  
She got a sad sigh from Charlie in response. “I just wanted to make things better for my people. I know I don’t feel much like a princess, but at the same time…I feel like it’s my duty…my destiny to being some cheer to this place.”  
“Heh. No one can ever top your optimism,” Vaggie mentioned, with a playful roll of her eyes. “Your happiness can be spotted miles away.”  
A small smile formed on Charlie’s face. “Well, at least I can pull myself up and keep going…”  
Vaggie stared, hopeful…  
“…But today isn’t one of those days.”  
Vaggie slumped slightly. “I did warn you not to sing.”  
“I couldn’t help it,” she countered. “How else was I supposed to get my message across?”  
“Not everyone likes singing and music all the time.”  
“My family does.”  
“But the other demons aren’t your family.”

Charlie stared out the window at the buildings whizzing by. “Sometimes I feel like my family is bigger than just my parents.” She turned to look at her girlfriend. “You’re my best friend, kinda like my older sister…and the only one who seems to get me. You’re part of my family already.”  
Vaggie chuckled softly. “Without me, you wouldn’t have lasted very long out in the big world.”  
“For once, I agree with you there,” Charlie replied.  
During several minutes of silence, the two demon girls locked hands just out of sight. It was their habitual way of showing comfort, and it worked on the many days when Vaggie didn’t want any hugs.  
“Don’t get too discouraged,” Vaggie said. “We’ll get back to the hotel and figure things out from there.”  
“I kinda feel like singing another lament now.”  
“Please don’t.”  
“Fine.”

The limo drove past the 666 Shop, the Nightmare Night Club, and an Evil Donuts store, complete with slime and worms displayed on the donut structure. Pink eyes decorated the ceiling of the car. Charlie curled into herself again, and took a puff of a breath. Even the painted eyes seemed to judge her every move. She glanced over at Vaggie, whose eye was twitching in annoyance.  
Angel Dust was busy playing with the button, making the car window go up and down, up and down. He froze when he saw an angry Vaggie staring at him.  
“What?” he asked with a shrug.  
“What? What?!” Vaggie shouted, pulling out chunks of her long white hair. “What were you doing?!”  
Angel sighed. “I owed my girl buddy a solid! Isn’t that a “redeeming quality?” Helping friends with stuff?”  
“Not with turf wars that result in territorial genocide!”  
“Eh, you win some, you lose a few hundred,” he said with a snicker. “It wasn’t that bad anyway.”  
He propped up his long legs and pushed the window button again. Vaggie tossed a dagger at the button and it fizzed out in a shower of sparks. Angel stared, shocked and terrified. Vaggie growled in warning.  
“Aw come on, I had to!” Angel protested. “My credibility was on the line!” He sighed. “I mean what kind of reputation would I have of people found out I was trying to go clean? It just throws out my entire persona.” He lifted up his furry chest.  
“Your credibility?” Vaggie asked. “What about the hotel? Your little stunt made us look like a fucking joke!”  
“No, no no, babe. Jokes are funny! I made you look…uh, sad. And pathetic! Uh…oh with progeria!” Charlie covered her face with her hair as Angel blabbered on.  
“Great! Now I’m bummed thinking about it! This thing have any liquor?” He bent down to the floor and tossed a bottle aside. He then flicked a wrapper away onto a seat.  
Vaggie was fuming. “Can you please just try to take this seriously?”  
“Fine, I’ll try. Just don’t get your taco in a twist, baby.”  
“Was that you trying to be sexist or racist?”  
“Whatever pisses you off more. Is there seriously no liquor in here?”  
“I’m gonna kill him,” Vaggie swore, crossing her arms and sitting back down.  
“Too, late, toots. Wait, would that make me double dead?” He laughed slowly and loudly. “And where exactly do I go to, double Hell?”  
He laughed again. “Sorry, you’re stuck with me, bitch. Get used to it.”  
Vaggie swore in Spanish (“Son of a rabies bitch”)  
“Listen, who cares if some jagoffs got hurt?” Angel nonchalantly asked. “Most of them are ugly freaks. Look around! Got a bunch of fuckin’ harlequin babies down there.”  
“You’re one to talk,” Vaggie muttered.  
Angel laughed then yelled “Hey!” in protest. “This body is flawless! Everyone wants some of me and I’ve got the creepy fan letters to prove it!”  
He pulled out a dirty piece of paper from his enlarged furry chest that read: “Show me your feet! Bryrin. #1 fan/critic.” There was a picture of a young angel in the lap of a naked man, licking Angel with his green tongue. He had a tattoo of Angel with a red crossed out sign.  
This time, Charlie spoke up. “That was really uncool, y’know, Angel.”  
Vaggie growled and turned to her friend. “Uncool?!” She mentioned to Angel. “After that trainwreck, there is no way anyone is gonna wanna stay at the hotel. All thanks to you and your selfish bullshit!”  
Angel glanced at a discarded pile of ash and used cigarettes. “Does this mean I don’t get a free room anymore?”  
Vaggie spread out her hands as if asking “Well, what do you think?”  
He let out a mock sigh. “Ah, well, shucks.”  
Charlie pulled off her dark pink shirt, revealing a white shirt with a black bowtie.  
“Hey, come on, we don’t know if things are over yet. Try to relax, Vaggie. It’ll be okay!”  
Now it was Vaggie’s turn to let out a small smile of thanks. Charlie placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, and her friend calmed down.  
“What would I do without you?” Vaggie asked. She and Charlie slowly leaned into each other, their heads gently touching.  
“Get a room, girls!” Angel remarked, before receiving a “Shut up!” from both girls. 

Finally, the deviant crew arrived at the Happy Hotel. It was an elegant building fit for any demon who wanted to stay a few nights. Eye designs lined the border of a dark pink canopy at the front like a creepy mosaic. Branches jutted out from the roof as part of the structure. Old fashioned lanterns attached to the wall had flames flickering inside, nonstop. The double doors consisted of stained glass windows with red apples in the center. Little stained glass snake eyes peered unblinkingly at them from around the larger window in the door. 

Angel, Vaggie, and Charlie got out of the car and threw open the double doors. A random black bug scurried away from the incoming light. A yellow sign read “Concierge” behind a pink “welcome” banner. The check in table was decorated with colored flags leaning toward the floor and random balloons with small star shapes on them. A vase was decorated with yellow eyes along the sides. Another flower pot was in the shape of a human mouth…white flowers posed above. Vaggie sighed and plopped onto a red cushioned couch in the style of a monster’s mouth.  
The red rug down the hallway was decorated with the same eyeball designs, apples on the end, plus shadow skulls of horned monsters in the center. All around the room, were pictures of Charlie as a little girl with her father and mother on various trips. 

Angel Dust came across a red fridge leaning low against the wall. He opened the door and pulled out a purple box labeled “Popsies.” He shrugged at the dripping ruined box and took out a popsicle. He gave it a lick.  
“It’s prolly a good idea to get some actual food in this place. Y’know, to feed all the wayward souls ya got in here.” He laughed nervously, trying to cheer Charlie up. But Charlie just sat sadly on a wooden box in a darkened area of the room. Angel closed the fridge door, sucked on a popsicle and reached out one of his arms to her…then hesitated. He walked away, letting her have some alone time.  
Charlie walked past the two posing elephant statues balancing balls on their trunks, and toward the front door. She opened the door and went outside. Holding out her purple cell phone, (or “Hell Phone, hah, get it?”) she pressed an icon with the word “Mom” decorated with a heart and horns on the m’s.  
Charlie took a deep breath as a voicemail tone came through.  
“Hey Mom. Um, I know I keep calling, and you must be busy. Really busy. But, um…the interview didn’t go well and…I don’t know if I’m going to make a difference. I don’t know what I’m doing. I could really use some advice, Mom.”  
She slid down and sat on the stone ground, tears falling from her eyes. “I think Dad was right about me. A-anyway, I’ll stop talking before this gets long. Love you! Bye.”  
She ended the call with a tap and rubbed her eyes with her hand. Standing back up, she opened the door, closed it, and leaned against the stained glass window, eyes closed.


	7. Enter Alastor (and Sir Pentious)

A slow ominous knocking from outside interrupted Charlie’s thoughts. She opened her eyes. It was a rhythmic knock, sounding like “shave and a haircut.” (Or was it “skunks in a barnyard”, or “imps in a cauldron?” She wasn’t sure. 

An ice cold feeling of dread spread through her veins. No other demon would ever do that kind of knock.  
Unless…

She tentatively reached out her hand to the door handle, and quickly pulled it open.

Sure enough, the most feared demon in Hell was standing right outside her door.  
He towered over her, wearing dark red dress pants, a red dress shirt along with a dark red pinstriped coat underneath. His shoes were black with red hoof prints on the sides. The two black lines in the center of his dress shirt looked like an upside down cross.  
Charlie slowly looked up at his red knotted bow tie, then to his thin gray face. His beaming smile displayed yellow sharp teeth and took up much of his face. On his head were red and black tuffs of hair and fur that resembled deer ears. There were even two small black antlers coming from his head. His sclera and eyes were crimson red, with an oval shaped monocle over his right eye. He carried a magical cane which resembled a vintage microphone. 

Charlie’s face morphed into sheer terror, eyes wide as saucers.  
Eyes glowing red, the man began to speak.  
“Hell…”  
She slammed the door in his face.  
Opened the door…  
“…o.”  
Slammed it again.  
“Hey, Vaggie?” Charlie called.  
“What?” Vaggie replied in annoyance.  
Charlie flashed a nervous smile. “The Radio Demon is at the door!”  
“What?!” she demanded.  
“Uh, who?” Angel asked. He sucked on his popsicle.  
“What should I do?” she asked, pulling at her lower eyelids.  
“Well, don’t let him in!” said Vaggie.

Charlie was tempted to do just that. But she also had a duty to not leave any sinners behind. She took a breath and opened the door again.  
“May I speak now?” the demon asked.  
“You may…” Charlie replied.

The man held out his gloved hand. “Alastor, pleasure to be meeting you, sweetheart, quite a pleasure.”  
He eagerly grabbed her wrist and leaned his face close to hers before strutting inside. Charlie stood, dumbfounded, her hand still out.  
“Excuse my sudden visit,” he went on, “but I saw your fiasco on a picture show and I just couldn’t resist. What a performance! Why I haven’t been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929!”  
He bobbed his head side to side and burst into laughter. “So many orphans!”  
Vaggie suddenly pointed a spear weapon at him. “Stop right there!” She swore in Spanish under her breath: “Carbon hijo de perra! (Son of a bitch!) I know your game. And I’m not gonna let you hurt anyone here, you pompous, cheesy, talk show shitlord!”  
Angel peeked around the corner to see what was going on.  
Alastor merely laughed slightly and nudged the weapon away with his fingers.  
“Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here…”  
He added in a low creepy tone, “I would have done so already.”  
His red eyes briefly turned to red radio dials and radio static filled the room. He tilted his head slightly, letting his chaotic magic roam. Vaggie and Charlie were frozen in fear as they caught glimpses of red Voodoo symbols, static, and warped reality.  
Then just as quickly, the noise and magic ceased and Alastor shook his head, eyes back to full red.  
“No, I’m here because I want to help!” He bowed.  
Charlie was sure she hadn’t heard him right.  
“Say what now?” she asked, eyebrows raised.  
“Help!” he responded with another laugh. He held up his microphone staff. “Hello? Is this thing on? Testing, testing…”  
He tapped it and a glowing red eye appeared in the center. “Well, I heard you loud and clear!” the microphone responded, eye shaking in fear.  
“Um…you want to help?” Charlie asked. 

Alastor appeared behind the demon girls, hands on their backs, switching from a shadow to his regular self. Both Vaggie and Charlie flinched.  
“With…” he mentioned in an imitation of Charlie’s voice,  
“…this ridiculous thing you’re trying to do!” finishing in his normal voice. “This hotel!”  
Charlie could hear the call bell ding twice on the table, even though no one was there to ring it.  
“I want to help you run it.”  
“Uh…why?” Charlie asked, confused.  
Alastor laughed again. “Why does anyone do anything? Sheer absolute boredom! I’ve lacked inspiration for decades!”  
He placed his elbow on an annoyed Vaggie’s head. Then shoved her aside.  
“My work became mundane, lacking focus, aimless! I’ve come to crave a new form of entertainment!”  
He laughed again.  
Charlie looked downcast. “Does getting into a fist fight with a reporter count as entertainment?”  
“It’s the purest kind, my dear! Reality! True passion! After all, the world is a stage! And the stage is a world of entertainment!”  
Charlie brightened a bit. “So, does this mean that you think it’s possible to rehabilitate a demon?”  
Alastor help up a hand and laughed. “Of course not. That’s wacky nonsense! Redemption, oh the non-existent humanity! Nononono, I don’t think there’s anything left that could save such loathsome sinners! The chance given was the life they lived before; the punishment is this! He spread out his arms. “There is no undoing what is done!”  
“So then, why do you want to help me if you don’t believe in my cause?” Charlie asked.  
Alastor smirked and looked at Charlie over his shoulder. “Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself!” He pulled her close to him with his arm and twirled her around in a quick dance. “I want to watch the scum of the world struggle to climb up the hill of betterment! Only to repeatedly trip and tumble down to the fiery pit of failure.”  
“Right…” Charlie began, slowly removing his clawed hand from her shoulder.  
Alastor took her aside for a walk. “Yes indeedy! I see big things coming your way, and who better to help than I.”

“Ah, so uh, what’s the deal with Smiles over there?” Angel asked Vaggie.  
“Wait, you’ve never heard of him before?” Vaggie asked. “You’ve been here longer than me!”  
Angel shrugged his shoulders.  
“The Radio Demon, one of the most powerful beings Hell has ever seen?”  
“Eh, not big on politics,” he replied.  
Vaggie, annoyed, leaned in close to explain.  
“Decades ago, Alastor manifested in Hell, seemingly overnight. He began to topple overlords who had been dominant for centuries. That kind of raw power has never been harnessed by a mortal soul before. Then, he broadcast his carnage all throughout Hell, just so everyone could witness his ability. Sinners started calling him The Radio Demon. (As lazy as that is). Many have speculated what unimaginable force enabled him to rival our world’s most ancient and destructive evils. But one thing’s for sure: He’s an unpredictable source of danger, a wicked spirit of mystery, and a violent monster of chaos, the likes of which we can’t risk getting involved with unless we want to end up erased.”  
“Ya done?” Angel asked with a snicker. “He looks like a strawberry pimp!”  
“Well, I don’t trust him!” Vaggie argued.  
To be fair, do you trust any man? Any men? Men?” Angel asked with a slight laugh.  
Vaggie ignored him and walked up to her friend.  
“Charlie, listen to me. You just can’t believe this creep! He isn’t just a happy face! He’s a dealmaker, pure evil! He can’t be redeemed! And is most likely looking for a way to destroy everything we’re trying to do.”  
“I…” Charlie began. “…we don’t know that. Look…I know he’s bad, and I know he probably doesn’t wanna change, but the whole point of this is to give people a chance! To have faith things will be better! How can I turn someone away? I can’t. It goes against everything I’m trying to do. Everything I believe in.”  
Alastor stared in fascination at a family picture on the wall. It showed Lucifer dressed in white, Lilith in a dark purple dress, and Charlie as a little girl wearing a brown and white dress in the middle. The picture border consisted of branches and yellow eyeballs and a dried rose in the upper right hand corner.

“Such a lovely portrait! A picture of perfection! It’d be such a shame if something awful were to happen to them…”

“Just trust me,” Charlie added placing comforting hands on her girlfriend’s shoulders, “I can take care of myself.”  
Charlie,” warned Vaggie, “Whatever you do, do not make a deal with him!”  
From a distance, Alastor opened up the palm of one hand, claws curled inward. Both girls glanced in his direction, worry on their faces. 

“I’ll have these two in the palm of my hand…”

“Don’t worry, Charlie replied to Vaggie. “I picked up one thing from my Dad…” she spoke in a manly voice, “Ya don’t take shit from other demons!”  
Gathering her courage, Charlie marched over to the Radio Demon.  
“Ok, so…Al. You’re sketchy as fuck, and you clearly see what I’m trying to do here is a joke. But I don’t.”  
Red Voodoo symbols appeared around Alastor, then vanished.  
Charlie continued. “I think everyone deserves a chance to prove they can be better. So, I’m taking your offer to help. On the condition that there be no tricks or voodoo strings attached.”  
Alastor twirled his cane and held out his hand. “So it’s a deal then?”  
Flashes of eerie green light surrounded him, electricity snaking up the walls.  
“Nope!” Charlie yelled, holding out her hands. The energy stopped. “No shaking! No deals! I…humm…”  
Charlie decided to try another approach.  
“As princess of Hell, and heir to the throne, I uh, hereby order that you help with this hotel, for a long as you desire.”  
A minute of pause…  
“Sound fair?” she asked.  
“Fair enough. Cool beans.” Alastor shrugged, walking on and making his cane disappear. Charlie breathed a sigh of relief and even did a thumbs up.  
Alastor stopped and spotted Vaggie off to the side. He smirked in a way outside observers would describe as lecherous. He tickled her under her chin with a finger.  
“Smile, my dear! You know you’re never fully dressed without one!”  
Alastor hummed happily on his way, while Vaggie growled in disgust and rage.  
“So…where is your hotel staff?” Alastor asked.  
“Uh, well…” Charlie began. Alastor peered at Vaggie through his monocle. “Oh ho ho ho, you’re going to need more than that.”  
He walked over towards Angel.  
“And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?”  
Angel grinned. “I can suck your dick!”  
“Ha! No.” Alastor deadpanned.  
“Your loss,” Angel said with a slight laugh. He summoned his cane.  
“Well, this just won’t do!” Alastor exclaimed. “I suppose I can cash in a few favors to liven things up!”

The spell came easily in his mind: “dife sèvitè, reveye.”

He snapped his fingers and a fire sparked to life in a small circular fireplace. Animal skeletons decorated either side of the wall.  
A dark figure plopped down onto the chimney floor.  
Alastor walked over and picked up the creature with his hand. A large single yellow eye was revealed. Angel, Vaggie, and Charlie peered at the creature. In a puff of smoke and a squeak, the creature revealed herself. A cute cyclops girl was wearing a pink dress with a poodle on the front, her short wide hair dark magenta with a streak of yellow.  
“This little darling is Niffty!” Alastor introduced, before dropping her. She landed on her feet.  
“Hi! I’m Niffty!” she greeted with a wave. “It’s nice to meet you! It’s been a while since I’ve made new friends!” She laughed slightly and her pupil grew smaller, darting in circles.  
“Why are you all women?” she asked. “Have any men here?! I’m sorry, that’s rude.” She missed the fact that Angel was male, for obvious reasons.  
She briefly picked up Charlie, while Vaggie held her spear defensively at her.  
“Oh man, this place is filthy!” she exclaimed, running around and lifting up couch cushions. “It really needs a lady’s touch, which is weird, because you’re all ladies, no offence.” She chewed on a black spider she found, then rushed toward some stained glass windows.  
She darted around, using a dust ruffle to clean them. “Oh my gosh, this is awful! No, no, no…”  
She raced around, removing cobwebs, then poking at a piece of a voodoo doll. “…Nope!” Alastor looked amused, while the others stared in disbelief. 

“So fortunate of me to have met her in Hell. A former chimney sweeper in the 20th century. Heard she died from too much smoke. Services are still good! Though, I didn’t give her much of an option to begin with…”

Meanwhile, at a casino, a cat demon placed a joker, an ace, a 2, and a fourth card down on the table. He had black and white fur, wore a black top hat and had red wings with card suits decorated on them. He also had long red eyebrows and wore a red bow tie.  
“Ha!” he declared in triumph. “Read ‘em and weep, boys!”  
He suddenly felt himself being forcefully pulled out of the room through space and time.  
“Full…whoa!”

“Transpòte ganbadeur la.”

He ducked as a curtain of red energy surrounded the existing space. Voodoo symbols flashed in the background along with eight yellow eyes, a creepy voodoo skull and a purple skeleton of a worm-like creature. Another voodoo skull with horns appeared for a moment not too far from tan ghost-like spirits with creepy faces and a row of jagged teeth.

The cat demon figured he must have had too much booze to drink.

“…the hell?”

As the images faded, he soon found himself at the Hazbin Hotel bar, not in the previous room at the casino. A large “Come and play Blackjack” sign took up much of the wall behind him. Most peculiar, the gray wood walls were missing halfway up, replaced by the red themed décor of the hotel. Husk was sitting in a portion of the casino he was in. It felt like he was in a house with no roof surrounded by the outside world.

“What the fuck is this?”  
He saw Alastor and pointed an accusing claw.  
“You.”  
“Ah, Husker, my good friend!” Alastor cheerfully greeted. “Glad you could make it!”  
Alastor’s head briefly had the appearance of large antlers sticking out from either side. When he moved it, it was revealed to be an antler skull with glowing green eyes hanging in the background. Snakes were wrapped around one of the white curtains supporting a bar stand. “Big Booze,” “Welcome” and “Big Soul” signs were placed overhead on the stand. Neon green card suits consisted of the designs at the bottom of the stand.  
“Don’t you “Husker” me, you son of a bitch!” Husk spat, and swiped Alastor’s hand aside from his shoulder. “I was about to win the whole damn pot!”  
Husk stared in anger as the stacks of money and chips on the table vanished in static.  
“Good to see you too!” added Alastor.  
Husk facepalmed. “What the hell do you want with me this time?”  
Alastor grabbed hold of him, startling him so much that cards fell from his hands.  
“My friend, I am doing some charity work, so I took it upon myself to volunteer your services! I hope that’s okay.”  
Husk was taken aback. “Are you shittin’ me?!”  
“No, I don’t think so,” Alastor replied. He casually brushed off his sleeves.  
Husk shoved the Radio Demon off him. “You thought it would be some kind of big fuckin’ riot just to pull me outta nowhere? You think I’m some kinda fuckin’ clown?”  
“Maybe.”  
Audience laughter emitted from the microphone.  
“I ain’t doin’ no fuckin’ charity job,” Husk protested.  
Alastor appeared next to him. “Will I figured you would be the perfect face to man the front desk of this fine establishment.”  
He pointed toward the bar stand with the staff. The sound of audience clapping came from his radio staff.  
“With your charming smile and welcoming energy…”  
Alastor spread the corners of Husk’s mouth upward into a demonic smile of yellow teeth. Husk frowned seconds after he let go.  
“…this job was made for you!”  
Alastor strutted over toward the bar stand, his shoes revealing red hoof prints as he walked.  
“Don’t worry, my friend,” Alastor continued, “I can make this more welcoming…if you wish.”  
With a curve of his fingers, a green bottle of cheap booze appeared on the counter.  
Husk stared with wide eyes, suddenly very thirsty. He swore he could hear the sound of a slot machine.  
“What, you think you can buy me with a wink and some cheap booze?!” He took the bottle on anger. “Well you can!”  
He immediately guzzled it down and walked away.

“Too easy,” thought Alastor. 

By this time, Charlie, Vaggie and Angel Dust had arrived to see what the commotion was about. Vaggie rushed toward the bar, furious.  
“Hey, hey, hey, hey!” yelled the moth demon. “No, no bar, no alcohol. This is supposed to be a place that discourages sin! Not some kind of…mouth, brothel, man-cave…”  
Angel lunged himself into her, knocking her to the floor.  
“Shut up! Shut! Up! We are keeping this.” He pointed at Husk with multiple gloved hands.  
He slid up to Husk. “Hey,” he said in a flirtatious voice.  
“Go fuck yourself,” Husk deadpanned, drinking his booze.  
“Only if you watch me,” Angel retorted.  
To make matters worse for Husk, Charlie leaned in close to him, excitement and red stars in her eyes.  
“Oh my gosh! Welcome to the Happy Hotel! You are going to love it here!”  
“I lost the ability to love years ago,” Husk replied, gulping down more booze.  
Alastor walked in, an ever-present grin on his face.  
“So, what do you think?”  
Charlie ran over to him. “This is amazing!” she beamed.  
“It’s okay,” Vaggie said from nearby.

Alastor laughed and pulled the two girls close to him. “This is going to be very entertaining!”

Alastor conjured fire in his hand…Charlie stared in wonder at the flames and the voodoo symbols. He pushed Vaggie aside and changed his attire. He now wore a fancy red suit with a white undershirt and a black bow tie. A red top hat appeared on his head, complete with small spikes along the black band and two needles sticking out from the top. He twirled Charlie around in a dance, the princess looking stunned. Pointing his finger over her head, he transformed Charlie’s outfit. Her blonde hair was now short and wavy. She wore an elegant black and red dress, black gloves, a pink hat with a small black bow and black heels. She looked like a lady from the early 20th century.

Charlie stared at her conjured clothing in amazement.  
Vaggie was on the floor, fuming.  
Alastor picked Charlie up and threw her into the air. She yelped in delight and landed gracefully next to him. Two glowing apples and a skull with deer horns flashed in the background.  
Reality had been altered to the Radio Demon’s liking. The entire room was lit in psychedelic colors. Voodoo symbols and shapes were etched in every nook and cranny, including a pair of pink claws reaching for the door. Alastor and Charlie waltzed in the spotlight as electro swing music began to play in the distance. The all-encompassing noise, though, was the signature radio-static sound.

Alastor sang his reprise to Charlie:  
“You have a dream  
You wish to tell  
And it’s just laughable  
But hey kid, what the hell! “

Charlie found herself sliding down one of the apple-etched railings, Alastor leading the way. They landed on the lower floor as Alastor continued his reprise.  
Deer statues and painted antlers were everywhere.  
Back at the bar stand, Husk sat looking bored. Vaggie hissed at Angel grabbing onto her shoulder, while Niffty stared in wonder. Alastor snapped his fingers and their outfits changed as well.  
Angel was wearing a neon pink suit, Husk a pink bow tie, Vaggie a dark dress, with her hair now smooth and long, and finally Niffty, with a cute top hat with small flowers. 

“‘Cause you’re one of a kind  
A charming demon belle!  
Now let’s give these burning fools a place to dwell  
(Take it, boys!)”

Alastor snapped his fingers once more and shadowy imps rose to life. The happy spirits played a trumpet, a tuba, and a drum set. Charlie snapped her fingers to the beat, while Vaggie watched with worry. She reached out to her friend but was pulled away by Alastor. He enveloped the group into a tight hug, followed by glowing images of dark spirits staring at them. Niffty watched in amazement, but not the other three.  
Alastor pulled Husk and Angel close again. He rubbed Angel’s head with a white hat and went on his merry way. Husk gave him the bird as he left.  
Vaggie stood, annoyed in the spotlight. Using his cane, Alastor added a feathered peacock hat and a white fox fur to her outfit. Then out of nowhere, he slapped her butt.  
“Pompous pervert!” Vaggie thought in rage as he wondered away.  
Alastor danced some more, kicking a horned skull to the side. In the background, Niffy happily swept up the bits of bone. 

“Inside of every demon is a lost cause  
But we’ll dress ‘em up now with just a smile!  
(With a smile!)  
And we’ll chlorinate this cesspool  
With some old redemption flair  
And show these simpletons some proper class and style!  
(What’s in style? Oh!)”

He made his way to the circular fireplace, where he waved his staff. Shadows arrived to join the party, including a shadowy version of himself, with large antlers and fangs. He made it disappear in a poof, then snuck toward Charlie. He led her in an upbeat dance, spinning her around, helping her match her steps to his. Charlie blushed when toyed with her cheeks. As Charlie was led away, Vaggie stood in the background, horrified and disgusted. What was happening to her friend?  
Charlie and Alastor laughed as they danced, the princess locked in a happy trance. 

“Here below the ground  
I’m sure you’re plan is sound!  
They’ll spend a little time  
Down at this Hazbin Ho…”

Alastor was about to finish his song, when an explosion burst apart a window behind him. 

Niffty stared in amazement, shouting “Whoo!” before she was blasted backwards, the door hitting her in the face.

Alastor’s spell soon wore off and everyone was back in their regular clothes. Alastor, Husk (still drinking), Niffty, Charlie, Angel, and Vaggie, peered out of the hole to see what was going on. Vaggie had her weapon at the ready.

Looking skyward, the group saw a cracked blimp in the air. It had a small random band-aid with a sad face on it along the rim. A familiar snake villain popped out of his hideout.  
“Ha!” Sir Pentious laughed. “Well, well, well, look who it is harboring the striped freak! We meet again, Alastor!”  
Apparently, he was also rivals with Alastor.  
But Alastor simply asked, “Do I know you?”  
The snake boss looked disappointed. Then he said in anger, “Oh yes you do! And this time, I have the element of…surprise!”  
The villain raced toward his pink velvet chair and pulled a lever. A metallic cannon lowered to the ground. The cannon fired up with pink energy as pink smoke appeared around them.  
“He laughed manically. “I’m so evil!”  
Then he added, “I have an Egg army!”

“Well, we have an Alastor,” Charlie responded.

Alastor snapped his fingers, red tendrils of smoke rising from his hand. The weapon froze in mid fire and a fiery portal opened up below the blimp.

A horde of black tendrils rose from the hole, latching onto the ship. One tentacle ripped off the cannon and threw it into another smaller portal, causing it to explode in pink smoke. One of the tentacles had already smashed a hole in the large round window.  
Sir Pentuous looked on in shock as his Egg Bois slammed against the wall (one of them read #Ouch.) One of the eggs cracked open, spilling out yellowish brains and small organs among the stains of yok. Sir Pentious and another minion were thrown against the wall.  
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” he screamed before he was slammed against the ceiling by a black limb.  
“Oh, that hurt!” he cried.  
Sir Pentious screamed as he was dragged along the floor and lifted up slightly. He was held in place, surrounded by the wrapped up tendril. At once, the tendril shrunk and squeezed the helpless snake. The Egg Bois ran around screaming as black cracks appeared on the floor and walls.  
From the outside, more black tendrils were closing in. Red voodoo symbols appeared around the blimp.

“Ede m 'sèrviteur.”  
At least four horned shadowy spirits with red auras floated around, wearing toothy grins. 

The tendrils were now wrapped around the entire blimp, holding it in place like thick black vines. 

Red radio waves filled Alastor’s eyes as he circled his fingers and worked is magic. Voodoo symbols appeared all around him as he altered the state of reality. Radio static consumed the air.  
The vines thickened and completely enclosed the blimp. The spirits swooped around it in excitement, with echoing shrieks. The aura around the tendrils glowed a fiery yellow, the same color as the portal rim. 

“Kalfu! Destriksyon pa bra nwa.”

Alastor closed his four-fingered hand which began to glow. The tendrils proceeded to crush the blimp. Pink rays of light shot from the center and the blimp exploded in a loud BOOM!  
Pink smoke spread everywhere as the spirits sped away. The tendrils broke into severed bloody pieces that rained down to the ground. Alastor smiled victoriously, while behind them, the group of five stared in utter terror and shock. (Save for Niffty who had a small smile on her face). 

“Well, I’m starved!” Alastor exclaimed, turning around to face the group. Who wants some jambalaya?” He spread his arms out. “My mother once showed me a wonderful recipe for jambalaya! In fact, it nearly killed her!”  
He laughed as he led the way back to the hotel. The others followed.  
“You could say the kick was right out of Hell!”  
He added while laughing at his own joke, “Oh, I’m on a roll!”  
Charlie and Niffty smiled while Husk, Angel, and Vaggie looked on with concern. Angel blew Husk a kiss, which earned the druggie demon a glare from the gambler. Charlie turned to Vaggie excitedly. Vaggie reluctantly went along with Charlie’s idea, even giving her a small supporting smile. As long as Charlie was happy, then she was alright, too.  
From up above, the hotel looked like a mashed-up haunted house. An old dark train was perched on a balcony, with some monstrous faces carved in. A ship, reminiscent of the Titanic, was leaning upwards against the building as part of the structure. An old carousel served as part of the upper balcony and windows. Skull designs decorated the small windows in a row. Finally, on top of a giant yellow eye, was the sign “Happy Hotel” supported by pillars of worn wood.  
Alastor continued, “Yes, sir, this is the start of some real changes down here! The game is set! Now…”

He glanced up and pointed his finger toward the sign. Pink electricity shot out and made contact with the sign.  
The sign now read “Hazbin Hotel.”

“Stay tuned,” he finished with a low sinister laugh.

Back at the crater, smoke took the faces of demons and rose into the air. Broken egg minions littered the ground. One minion rubbed his head. With a shaking arm, Sir Pentious lifted himself up from the gaping hole, fangs shattered.  
“Now will you shoot me with your ray gun?” asked the minion.  
Sir Pentious face-planted on the ground in response.


	8. Character Origins

Name: Vaggie

Human name: Alejandra Gomez (Alejandra means defender) 

Birth: Unknown, El Salvador ancestry

Human life: gothic teenager, studied the supernatural, lesbian, martial arts

Date of death: 2014

Cause of death: Stabbing by men

Demonic life: moth demon, Charlie’s girlfriend, skilled in handling weapons, manager at Hazbin Hotel

Likes: Punk Rock, Latino music, Charlie

Dislikes: Men

Abilities: Weaponry

Name: Angel Dust

Human name: Anthony 

Birth: Unknown/1922?

Human life: drug addict, porn star, drag queen, model

Date of death: 1947

Cause of death: PCP drug overdose

Demonic life: spider demon, Porn star, drag queen

Likes: drugs, anything sexual, pranks, money, animals, drinking

Dislikes: losing credibility

Abilities: Venomous bite, retractable set of arms, skilled with guns, high jumps

Name: Alastor (meaning Greek spirit of vengeance)

Human name: Roscoe Duvalier (Roscoe means deer forest, Duvalier is last name of Voodoo genocidal dictator of Haiti) 

Birth: Unknown/1898? New Orleans

Human life: radio host, deer hunter, serial killer, singer and dancer

Date of death: 1933

Cause of death: Fatal shooting by police after being attacked by dogs

Demonic life: deer demon, overlord, radio host

Likes: cooking, singing, dancing, electro swing, people failing, dark coffee, the Picture Show, the Stock Market Crash of 1929, theater, liquor, dad jokes, Jambalya

Dislikes: being touched, post 30’s technology, dogs, anything sweet, frowning, Angel’s sexual remarks, tea

Abilities: supernatural powers, voodoo, radio broadcasting, shadow manipulation, warping space, singing, charm

Name: Husk

Human name: Alton Densmore (Alton meaning dweller of old town)

Birth: 1900s

Date of death: 1970s

Cause of death: Alcohol overdose over a huge gambling loss

Demonic life: cat demon, gambler and drinker

Likes: cards, drinking, magic shows, gambling

Dislikes: Alastor 

Abilities: Flight, speaks multiple languages

Name: Niffty (skillful)

Human Name: Ariba Jones (Ariba meaning skillful)

Birth: unknown/late 1930s

Human life: chimney cleaner, reader 

Date of death: 1950s

Cause of death: suffocation by smoke from cleaning

Demonic life: girl cyclops, cleaner and cook, friend to Alastor and Mimzy, Alastor created her to help with chores, but he saw her as a daughter figure before the hotel

Likes: cleaning, sewing, reading, fanfiction, cooking, men

Dislikes: Anything messy

Abilities: rapid speed, immune to fire, sewing, cleaning, cooking

Name: Katie Killjoy

Human Name: Katie Klux Korac

Birth: unknown  
Human life: model, news anchor

Date of Death: 1992

Cause of death: crushed to death by heavy equipment falling on her (bones and her neck still cracks)

Demonic life: bug demon, news anchor for 666 News

Likes: her appearance, smoking, torturing others, gossip, the Happy Hotel, sleeping with men

Dislikes: gays, Charlie, Tom Trench’s sexual remarks 

Abilities: news anchor 

Name: Tom Trench

Human name: Tom Tomson

Birth: unknown

Human life: soldier in World War 1

Date of death: 1918

Cause of death: Gas poisoning, still wears a gas mask over his face in death  
Demonic life: Gas mask demon, co host for 666 News

Likes: making sexual remarks, Cherri Bomb and hot women

Dislikes: Katie pouring hot coffee on him

Abilities: co-host

Name: Sir Pentious

Human Name: Gerald Gatling (Gatling after a fire-arm inventor)

Birth: unknown/1843

Human life: inventor, cruel CEO in Industrial Revolution

Date of death: 1888

Cause of death: Machine failure

Demonic life: overlord, inventor, makes deviled egg minions called Egg Bois

Likes: inventing, trying to take over Hell, cats, tea, pretending to be hip, weapons

Dislikes: Angel Dust, Cheeri Bomb, Alastor foiling his plans, soda, being touched, sexual remarks from Angel 

Abilities: Hypnosis, inventing, use of weapons

Name: Cherri Bomb

Human Name: Cerise Kremer

Birth: unknown/ 1960s

Human life: rebel, progressive activist

Date of death: 1980s

Cause of death: unknown

Demonic life: one eyed demon, Angel Dust’s partner in crime, fights in turf wars against Sir. Pentious

Likes: Turf wars, explosives, Angel Dust, the Cherri Bomb song, action packed video games

Dislikes: Sir. Pentious

Abilities: creating explosives, weaponry 

Name: Baxter

Human Name: Myron Barger

Birth: unknown

Human life: evil scientist, maker of weapons, poisons, and mind-inducing drugs (Einstein-Smoluchowoski formula, Haber project) 

Date of death: 1910s

Cause of death: Drowning, death on a boat

Demonic life: angler fish demon, evil scientist

Likes: science, solitude, working in his lab

Dislikes: being interrupted, being touched

Abilities: intellect, inventing

Name: Mimzy  
Human name: ?  
Birth: unknown  
Date of Death: 1920s  
Cause of death: ?  
Demonic life: singer, club owner, friends with Niffty and Alastor  
Likes: her singing, jazz, desserts, doughnuts  
Dislikes: Rock music  
Abilities: ?

Name: Rosie  
Human name: ?  
Birth: ?  
Date of death: ?  
Cause of death: ?  
Demonic life: overlord, Alastor’s companion, Owner of Rosie’s Emporium

Name: Crymini  
Date of death: 1990’s  
Demonic life: hellhound delinquent teen  
Likes: Rock  
Dislikes: Pop songs, children’s songs

Name: Vox  
Date of death: 1950’s  
Human life: advertiser  
Demonic life: TV demon, overlord, villain, wants to influence Hell’s population

Name: Valentino  
Demonic life: Owner of Porn Studios, manipulator villain who allies with Vox  
Likes: porn, his business  
Dislikes: Angel Dust

Name: Velvet  
Demonic life: villain, overlord, associate of Vox and Valentino, helps them with their plan to influence the population under their control  
Likes: Selfies, smiling, Vox, Valentino

Name: Molly  
Demonic life: spider demon, Angel Dust’s twin sister  
Likes: sex, drugs, her brother


	9. Helluva Boss

Not too far away from Pentagram City lay a shady place in the bowels of Hell. “Welcome to Imp City: est. 1960” was posted on a worn wooden sign with a white painted eye on the top. Under a crimson sky, various buildings made up the city, some with spikes on the roofs. Downtrodden imps of various colors and sizes mulled around the streets and ghettos. Mugging, sex, drugs, poverty, and murder were common aspects of their everyday afterlives. Indeed, being considered “lesser demons” and the “lowest of the low,” not very many had opportunities granted to them.  
Well, save for a unique family of imps, trying to get their business running.  
This group currently resided in a tall office building that seemed to stand out among the other structures. Along with spikes jutting from the roof and sides, there were a pair of giant black and white imp horns attached to the sides of the building for decoration. The lights inside near the top floor were on.   
Posted on a door were the words “IMP Headquarters” with “IMP Meeting in Progress” written on a piece of paper taped to the door, a smiley face off to the side.  
On a white board was a bar graph and a line graph, the line graph pointing lower at a drawing of a raging horned demon. “Fix this shit!” was written in big bold letters that took up much of the board. “Blitzo is the best, by Blitzo” was scribbled off to the side. Several tall chairs with spikes jutting from the top boarders were set near a brown table in the center of the room. 

Up front, a black, white, and red colored imp paced back and forth, sprouting long curved striped horns. He wore black finglerless gloves with what looked like a yellow eye design on each glove. He was dressed in a slender navy blue business suit with light red buttons. A small round pink pin was attached over a red undershirt below his slender chin. What looked like a black two-clawed print mark lay over his red forehead. Along with sharp teeth, the imp has red iris eyes with yellow sclera. Like a typical devil, he also had a red pointed tail. He had four red finger-shaped claws on each hand.   
He began to speak, pacing back and forth.  
“All right, now I know business has been…a bit slow, lately.”  
He held out his hands, leaning forward, “Yes, it’s no one’s fault, okay? I’m not naming any names here…”  
He opened his eyes, “…Moxxie.”  
Another imp raised his eyebrows in annoyance.  
“Now,” continued the boss known as Blitzo, “Does anyone have any bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?”  
Moxxie was the pessimistic red-faced imp who wore a big red bow tie, a navy suit, and had white freckles under his yellow eyes. White hair framed the sides of his face, the hair traveling from his curved striped horns.  
Next to Moxxie was his bubbly wife, Millie. Like him, her face was red and her eyes were yellow. Her hair was messy and black, the ends sticking out in every direction. Two short black horns with small white stripes stood atop her head. A white flower-shape was also part of her hair. She wore a black crop top, ripped black leggings and a black neck collar. Additionally, she had two long lashes curved outward from each of her eyes.  
Finally, a grey and white hellhound named Loona was starting at her red cased phone in her hand. Thick white hair obscured much of her face. Her sclera was red and her irises, white. Wearing a ripped gray crop top, dark blue leggings with a crescent moon on the side, a collar, plus an upside down black pentagram on her furry neck, her attire was much more casual. 

Millie raised her hand excitedly and beamed.   
“What…about…a carwash?!”  
Blitzo spread out his arms. “This is Hell, Millie. No one care about cars being clean here, okay?” His eyes sparkled as he moved his hands in a showy manner. “What about a billboard?”

Moxxie crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. “We can’t afford a billboard, sir.”  
Blitzo put him in a tight headlock with one arm, muttering rapidly with sarcasm, “Helpful, Moxxie, really glad you’re in the room right now.”  
Blitzo shoved Moxxie away.   
“Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?!”  
He turned on an old TV with a remote. After some static, gruesome ad clips popped up on screen: Blitzo whacking a red demon in the head with a mallet, Moxxie shooting a tied-up blue demon in the mouth with a gun, Loona biting a red person and shaking their head in her mouth, Millie slicing off another person’s head with a spear and laughing.

Back in the room, Blitzo held a blue bowl of popcorn in his hand. Loona sat on the table, looking bored while eating popcorn pieces. Moxxie stood to the side, a grumpy look on his face. Millie was perched on the table, eating popcorn and enjoying the show.   
Along the wall were portraits of the imp family: Moxxie and Millie embracing, Blitzo and Loona playing at a park, and another which showed “The Amazing Imp Siblings,” consisting of Blitzo and his circus sisters, Tilla and Barbie Wire. When the siblings weren’t killing others, they were practicing acrobatics, shapeshifting, balancing on a trapeze bar over a lake of fire, juggling and eating more fire, and, of course, using weapons to finish off demonic animals in the ring. The two sisters were still huge hits but Blitzo hadn’t seen them for a while ever since he founded I.M.P. (Immediate Murder Professionals). Before he had met Moxxie and Millie and adopted Loona, they were the closest he had to a family.

“Ah, those were good times,” Blitzo reminisced, referring back to the advertisements. Millie chewed on a piece of popcorn and swallowed.   
Moxxie briefly placed his hand to his forehead. “Don’t need any reminding, sir, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches!”  
“Uh, hey, excuse me?” Blitzo snapped, turning back from the TV. “What’s “obnoxious” about a super fun jingle, all right? It’s a fun distraction, when an advertisement’s spitting bullshit.”  
“People love musicals, sir,” Millie agreed.  
“Exactly, Millie. And we’re basically doing a musical.” Blitzo pointed to Moxxie. “Are you gonna crush my musical theater dreams like my dad did?”  
“Sir…” Moxxie began, but Blitzo cut him off.   
“Because all I see is my dad’s asshole talking to me, crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.” He started to tear up.   
“Are you trying to crush his dreams, Moxxie?” asked Millie.  
“I…what?” Moxxie asked, confused.   
Millie leaned in close, smiling flirtatiously. “I thought I knew you.” Moxxie rolled his eyes.  
“I can’t believe you, Moxxie,” sobbed Blitzo. “…after I made you Employee of the Month.”   
He held up a plaque with Moxxie’s raging face on it.  
Moxxie sighed. “Okay, sir, I’m sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theater. Nobody actually likes the jingles.”  
“I liked it,” Millie mentioned.  
“Do not…do not agree with him in front of me,” Moxxie muttered.  
“Let’s not forget about our signature commercial,” Blitzo added, brightening up.  
“We’ve seen it a dozen times,” Moxxie complained.  
“But it’s so fun to watch!” Millie said.  
“Thank you, Millie,” said Blitzo, “and shame on you, Moxxie. We’re going to watch it.”  
“Whatever,” Lonna muttered, who was playing games on her phone.  
Blitzo turned on the TV again.

The commercial popped up on the screen. After 3 and 2 appeared, Blitzo was shown on a stage in front of purple curtains.  
“Hi there, I’m Blitzo, the “O” is silent, and I’m the founder of I.M.P.”  
The logo appeared in the right hand corner: The M in “Imp” had horns curving down the sides and was surrounded by a neon red circle.  
“Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell?”  
A picture showed a villainous imp wearing two top hats burning down an orphanage for elderly blind newborn dogs.  
“…or are you an innocent soul who got fucked over by someone else?”  
The next image showed a smiling imp dressed in an angel costume throwing a coffee cup into a trash can.

The screen jumped over to a tall brutish horned red demon wearing an Ohio shirt, standing with a 666 news billboard in the background. An imp held a sign which read “Some guy who hired us!”  
The angry demon went on his rant, “After lovingly killing my wife for fucking a delivery man, you can imagine my surprise when I wound here after the state of Ohio killed me. I really wish I could stick it to that yapping charter who saw me hiding the body!”  
Blitzo appeared again, this time holding a grimoire book of Satanic rituals. In the background, Moxxie and Millie were sitting on the floor surrounded by candles and an altar with skulls and a mirror.  
“Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…” He conjured up a fiery portal in the center pf the room, sending the imps scrambling away,  
“…we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive!” He happily fell backwards into the flames.   
Faster than a blink of an eye, sentences appeared on screen, then vanished:  
“These imps have special access to the living world due to the Satanic rituals formerly possessed by owl overlord Stolas, plus their ability to create portals.”  
The logo appeared again: this time with the three imps posing in a red circle, Millie holding a spear, Moxxie holding a gun and a grinning Blitzo in the middle, spreading out his arms to create an “M.” “Immediate Murder Professionals” was written in red letters at the bottom. 

The rest of the commercial showed the three imps murdering people in various ways: throwing grenades, hanging a person, electrocution, and other methods. Blitzo was shown electrocuting a gagged victim, Millie brought a mace down on another, while Moxxie choked a third. Blitzo mentioned for the imps to follow him through a fiery portal. Moxxie tripped over the book and fell on his face on the way there. They arrived, right in the middle of a Christian church ceremony, the humans staring back at them in shock. Millie killed a naked couple with a chainsaw while Blitzo greedily examined ladies underwear. Blitzo stabbed another person repeatedly. Clips of humans getting eaten by a shark, tortured in a medieval device, imps setting a person on fire while pouring gasoline, suffocating a victim with a pillow, playing a piano that crushed another person, performing electrical experiments on another…  
A jingle song played throughout the ad:  
“When you want somebody gone, and you don’t wanna wait too long  
Call the Immediate Murder Professionals!  
Whether grenade or cyanide  
We’ll make it look like suicide  
The Immediate Murder Professionals  
We do our job so well  
Because we come straight up from Hell  
We’ll kill your husband or your wife  
We’ll even let you keep the knife  
The Immediate Murder Professionals”

And at the end…  
“Kids die for freeee!”

The screen turned to Blitzo again. “Call us now at 1-800-666-6666 or go online to I.M.P. .com.”  
Finally, the next portion switched to a short clip called “Interview with Blitzo: “You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can, like killing people. So from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money is gone and you’re never getting it back and you can write us a bad review but we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Hell and no one fucking cares.”  
Static appeared once again, before the TV was turned off.

“Remember when we were sent on that mission to kill that kid?” Millie asked.  
“Yeah,” Blitzo said. “That sure was crazy.”  
They thought back to Earth when Moxxie and the other imps were hiding in the bushes. A blonde woman wearing pink was staring at her phone, while a boy with an orange shirt and a blue cap was walking along, licking a strawberry ice cream cone. Waiting for the right moment, Moxxie popped out and shot the boy in the back. Blitzo and Moxxie looked at Moxxie while Moxxie gaped in fear. He had shot an innocent kid who wasn’t the intended target.   
“Quick!” Millie called to the blond woman, who turned around and screamed. “Call 911!”  
The woman darted off and soon, an ambulance rushed to the scene, while the imps vanished into the shadows. The bloodied boy was loaded onto a stretcher and rushed to the hospital.  
The doctor flung open the doors while a blue haired doctor and a pink haired nurse moved the stretcher in.  
“Doctor, he’s not responding,” she said.  
“Who ordered a stat?” asked the blue-haired man. He did a powerful chest compression that bruised the boy’s face. “It didn’t do anything!”  
“Damn it!” said the first doctor, getting metal devices ready. “Not losing another one.”  
They all stood back. “Clear!” he shouted as the devices shocked the boy, the kid gasping for breath.  
“Holy shit, it actually worked,” said the doctor in surprise. He walked out of the operating room #66 to find the three imps sitting down, Blitzo reading a book, Moxxie looking worried. The doctor had a clipboard in his hand.  
“He appears to be in stable condition, but he’ll need surgery. Now what kind of insurance do you freaks have?”  
“The fuck is insurance?” Blitzo asked.

The imps and the boy were soon thrown out of the building, the glass window shattering as they fell. Blitzo quickly conjured a portal below them and they fell down into Hell.

Moxxie spoke up, “I’d like to go on record and say that incident was Loona’s fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It’s very simple.”

“Oh sit on a dick, Moxxie,” said the hellhound.

Moxxie stuttered, trying for a comeback. “You sit, sit on a, a…do your job!”

Blitzo walked over. “Hey, now, we don’t blame our screw-ups on Loona, okay? She didn’t do anything wrong.” He nuzzled and hugged Loona, while she growled for him to get off. 

Moxxie sighed. “Are you kidding me, sir? She’s awful.”

Loona remembered picking up an old-fashioned bone-shaped phone that made barking sounds at the secretary desk.

“Hello, I.M.P.”

“Help, I just got stabbed!” yelled a frantic person on the other line.

Loona hung up and continued reading her Hellhound Monthly magazine.

A less pleasant event flashed through her mind: Blitzo handing her a wrapped gift.

“Happy adoption anniversary, Loony! I got you a little something.”

“Is it a cure for syphilis?” she asked in annoyance. She hoped that a cure would be found for her cause of death as a former human.

“I…oh,” he stuttered, at a loss for words. 

“Then, I don’t want it!” She smashed the present on the ground before a swarm of black spiders crawled over her.

“I’m sorry, it was spiders!” Blitzo called, appearing behind a window.

“God damn it,” she cussed.

Another time, Lonna sat at her desk, casually watching Charlie sing “Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow.” On a screen.

Moxxie stomped over to her desk. “Excuse me, did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?” He held a “Chub be gone” flier.

“No,” she lied in a monotone.

“No, what? Why would anyone send me this?”

“Come on, you know why.” Loona responded, trying not to laugh.

Later that night, Loona dug through the fridge at the office. A calendar with a purple pentagram symbol hung on the wall. “Whoever left this fucking avocado salad in the fridge, I’m taking it. Because I have the worst hangover right now.” She guzzled down green liquid.

“Now why would you drink on a work day?” Millie asked.

Loona barred her teeth. “I’m hungover from this morning, dumb ass.”

Moxxie came into the room. “Isn’t that my lunch?”

Loona kicked the box. “You know what? I can’t take this assault right now! I need to blow off some fucking steam!” She ran outside, yelled and kicked away a baby carriage, the imp mother looking on in shock. 

Loona (calls): Blitz, that clingy rich asshole’s on the phone, says it’s urgent and wants to talk to you. Sounds a little DTF fy.” (Down To Fuck)

Blitzo (spills water on himself): Oh god. It was one time. If I hadn’t slept with that privileged asshole, none of us would have access to the living world.

Moxxie: You what?

Blitzo: sings whispers “got the book, got the book, got this fucking heavy book.” 

(Blitzo steals a book from sleeping Stolas in bed, and slides out from a balcony, and lands into a cake while owls stare.)

Blitzo: (to the queen) Sorry I fucked your husband.  
Loona: Blitz!

Blitzo: I heard you already!

Blitzo (plays with bobble heads of Moxxie and Millie): Oh what can I do you for this time, Stolas?

Stolas: There’s a political candidate causing trouble on earth for a few of my associates. He’s trying to convince people global warming exists.

Blitzo: Doesn’t it?

Stolas; Well, yes, but more people die if nothing is done about it and it gets lonely here.

Blitzo: Okay, yeah well that makes sense.

Stolas: You know what happens when I’m lonely, Blitzy?

Blitzo (mutters): Oh fucking damn it…

Stolas: When I become lonely, I become hungry. And when I become hungry, I want to choke on that red ***** of yours, then lick all of your **** before taking out your **** teeth until you’re screaming like a ******* baby!”  
(“Creepy Mouth aka One Night Stand Bird Dick)

(Blitzo hangs up and destroys his phone and blends it)

Blitzo: Eat this. And you know that bridge over the freeway?

Loona: Yeah. (drinks phone liquid)

Blitzo: Shit off it.

Blitzo: But the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family, and we don’t get rid of families.

Moxxie: We aren’t a family, sir. You are the boss. We are the employees. You treat her like she’s some troubled teenager. She’s more like a meth-addicted homeless, woman you let man the phones.

(Loona flips him the bird)

Blitzo: That is offensive. Without homeless people, I would not have half the joy and laughter I do in this life.

(Homeless demon holds a “Monee helps, Satan bless” sign. Blitzo waves to a woman imp prostitute in a black dress)

Moxxie: While we’re on the subject of “family,” can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?

Millie: Come on, sweetie, it’s not that big a deal.

Moxxie: Excuse me, what?!

Moxxie: (chops carrots) Honey, can you get me the butter?

Millie: Sure, sweetie.

Blitzo: Spoiler alert, butter spoiled.

Moxxie: What’s funny, honey?

Blitzo: Really impressive wordplay.

Moxxie: What the? Why are you in our fridge?!

(Blitzo stares at Moxxie and Millie asleep. Moxxie wakes up)

Blitzo: What are you dreaming about?

Moxxie: I was dreaming my parents were being murdered but now I’d like to go back to that.

(Moxxie plays guitar for Millie and they sing a song)

Moxxie: Of all the imps in Hell  
Millie: It’s for him that I fell  
Moxxie: Oh Millie. (leans for a kiss)

(Blitzo films outside the window)

Moxxie: Are you fucking filming us right now?!

Moxxie: Just. Stop. Doing that.

Blitzo: I don’t see what the issue is. Something you don’t want me seeing?

Moxxie: No!

Blitzo: Your baby weiner havor? (small dick) (Loona giggles)

Moxxie: Sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!

Millie: Calm down, Mox. You’re gonna have another panic attack.

Moxxie: I AM CALM! (whimpers)

Millie: (rubs his head) Shh, there, there.

Blitzo: Look, I don’t judge the boring couple stuff you do outside of work hours so don’t judge me.

Moxxie: Oh I do judge you sir, quite a lot, actually.

Millie: Moxxie, he’s our boss.

Blitzo: No, no, it’s fine, Mills. Your husband is just, how do I say this without being offensive, retarded.

Moxxie: Does immaturingly insulting me make you feel better about your sad single life?

Blitzo: It actually does.

Lonna (to Moxxie): The only reason you have a wife is because you’re easy to manage.

Millie: (flips birds) No he’s not, you turd! 

Blitzo: Do not talk to my receptionist that way. She’s sensitive.

Lonna: Yes I am!

Kid: You guys are all fucking assholes.

Blitzo: Oh shut up, kid, you’re lucky to witness this.

Moxxie: Huh. This company’s such a mess.

Blitzo: Alright, let’s get back to talking about my outfit.

Loona: Nobody was talking about that.

Blitzo: Which is why I’m trying to get that ball rolling. So how does it look? It’s good, right?

Kid: It’s been literal hell having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn’t kill me, and now, I want that.  
I want death. (to Blitzo) You are a selfish greedy clown, and I’m a kid. We’re supposed to like clowns, even the creepy ones.

Moxxie: Hey, not that’s not very…

Kid: If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I’d rip out your spine and ask you some shit.

Millie: That’s my husband you’re talking to!

Kid: That’s your husband? I figured you for a slut but I didn’t know you needed it that bad. And you…

Loona: What about me?

Kid: Nothing. I don’t talk to dogs. I’m a cat person.

Blitzo: Wow. You know kid, you’re kinda are piece of shit.

Moxxie: You gotta admit, he’s good.

Loona: Oh, fuck. Guys, I just got a text from our client. Guess he was the right target after all.

Blitzo: Who?

Loona: Him.

Kid: Me?

Loona: Yep.

Blitzo: They wanted to kill an actual child?

Loona: That’s what they’re saying.

Blitzo: Well, Christ on a stick, guess there is a God.

(Blitzo shoots kid. Imps kick his body, saw him in half and put his remains in a bag)

Blitzo: You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can, like killing people. So from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money is gone and you’re never getting it back and you can write us a bad review but we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Hell and no one fucking cares.

Blitzo: (hugs group with his tail) You know, even though this kid was a target, he’s still a child. It’s important we’ve handled this going forward respectfully.

News: “Mom sucks at drawing own kid”

Lady: Please, if anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us and… (gasps)

(Bag with boy’s body falls in her hands. Imps wave from a portal and vanish as it closes.)

Blitzo: You’re welcome!

Moxxie and Millie dance and sing a murder love song

“Oh what a thrill when the crimson starts to spill  
And my Millie goes in for the kill  
She takes away my breath  
She’s the angel of death for me  
Oh Millie  
Queen, it’s like a dream  
When I hear her victim start to scream  
Get him out of the sack  
She’s a maniac for me  
Oh Millie  
When the blood starts dripping down the sides  
And the bodies start to fall from the skies  
My heart skips a beat  
When my Millie’s guns a blazing in the night  
That’s in love  
She makes the murdering fun for me  
A lottery for all the wins of Hell  
It’s for her that I fell”

No one noticed a tall dark demon happily watching the show, the air crackling with radio static...


	10. Bonus: Jambalaya

from cafedeleities.com

Jambalaya  
INGREDIENTS  
• 3 tablespoons cooking oil, divided  
• 2 tablespoons Slap Ya Mama/Cajun seasoning, (adjust to suit your tastes/heat preference)  
• 10 ounces (300 g) andouille sausage, sliced into rounds  
• 1 pound (500 g) boneless skinless chicken breasts or thighs, cut into 1 inch pieces  
• 1 onion diced  
• 1 small green bell pepper (capsicum), seeded and diced  
• 1 small red bell pepper (capsicum), seeded and diced  
• 2 stalks/ribs celery, chopped  
• 4 cloves garlic, minced  
• 14 ounces (400 g) can crushed tomatoes  
• 1 teaspoon salt  
• 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper  
• 1 teaspoon each dried thyme and dried oregano  
• 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes (or 1/4 teaspoon Cayenne powder)  
• 1/2 teaspoon hot pepper sauce  
• 2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce  
• 1 cup thinly sliced okra (or 1 teaspoon file powder)  
• 1 1/2 cups uncooked white rice (short grain or long grain)  
• 3 cups low sodium chicken broth  
• 1 pound (500 g) raw shrimp/prawns tails on or off, peeled and deveined  
• Sliced green onions and chopped parsley, to garnish

Jambalaya INSTRUCTIONS  
1\. Heat 1 tablespoon of oil in a large pot or Dutch oven over medium heat. Season the sausage and chicken pieces with half of the Cajun seasoning. 

2\. Brown sausage in the hot oil; remove with slotted spoon and set aside. Add remaining oil to the pot and sauté chicken until lightly browned. Remove with slotted spoon; set aside.

3\. Sauté the onion, bell pepper and celery until onion is soft and transparent. Add the garlic and cook until fragrant (30 seconds).

4\. Stir in the tomatoes; season with salt, pepper, thyme, oregano, red pepper flakes (or Cayenne powder), hot pepper sauce, Worcestershire sauce, and the remaining Cajun seasoning. Stir in the okra slices (or file powder), chicken and sausage. Cook for 5 minutes, while stirring occasionally.

5\. Add in the rice and chicken broth, bring to a boil, then reduce heat to low-medium. Cover and let simmer for about 20 to 25 minutes, or until liquid is absorbed and rice is cooked, while stirring occasionally. 

6\. Place the shrimp on top of the Jambalaya mixture, stir through gently and cover with lid. Allow to simmer while stirring occasionally, until the shrimp are cooked through and pink (about 5-6 minutes, depending on the size/thickness of the shrimp being used).   
7\. Season with a little extra salt and pepper if needed and remove from heat. Adjust heat with extra hot sauce, Cayenne pepper or Cajun seasoning. Serve immediately with sliced green onions and parsley.


End file.
